I have this tendency of getting caught up in my current social environment, neglecting past social connections in the process. Its all with a pure intention, at first, to meet new people, enjoy new activities, feel alive in that way that newness can inspire.
Occaisionally, I get curious about what my old friends/enemies are doing. In doing so, and especially with old flames, that sinking feeling happens. From some dormant recess of my mind, old ideas return and show me how decayed and real life was, again. Justine is engaged. Sweet. Well, I'm assuming. On her facebook profile, a pic of her wearing a ring...a big fat diamond ring. Awesome. Congrats, I say. Then I remember...
Shit.
As odious as comparisons may be, it just happens, meaning is somehow still attached...
Why I do I care? Better stated, How does it serve me to care? Motivation? For what? Drinking heavily? Accelerating a youthful death? Fuck, sometimes I believe I am not suited to be here, in this life, alive, being human. If there is some celestial tether that is connected to the belly button of our soul reminding us of our eternal union with All, I feel that mine is cut. I feel like I am floating, freefalling, spinning, lost.
Thankfully, I am learning that what I think has an effect on the world, and more importantly, people. So I console myself with thinking almost exclusively about love, kindness, happiness, compassion. I picture the faces of friends, strangers, others smiling brightly. I imagine them madly in love with their lives, joy pouring from within. Its mild hedonistic; I do feel better afterward.
And yet, actions have consequences, and continuing to be reminded that hurts, aches, churns up thoughts of escape and retreat and fleeing.
I really need to get the fuck out of Santa Barbara. If I had my way, I'd leave, never to return.
