I'm dreaming again

And i'll love you, forever.
I'll love you, 'til the end.
Your beauty lights a candle,
(and) i hold in my hand.
You can see this candle burning,
It only burns for you.
And in my eyes it's light becomes,
The meaning for me of you.
...
She is dancing,
I'm dreaming again.

Song list for now

New Blog...same old content

Deleted the inciteinsight.blogspot one in favor of the clearer, justincostanzo.blogspot address. And it feels good knowing I have some 'anonymity' again, seeing how this one is not linked to my facebook account. I am preferring to close off a bit while remaining committed to being 'open hearted' and vulnerable with whatever life gives me. More on this in a minute...
I am at a crossroads. One month into my new room. The Rancho, a fading memory. My social environment has shifted. I am spending large portions of the day in solitude. It feels refreshing to get to sequester away, and yet something in life...ahem-in L I F E ! , calls to me from some unknown distant location. Restlessness is growing again. I desire action, fulfillment through action. Wholesome enjoyment of self-love, happiness, peace of mind.
And there are so many other desires as well...
I reflect on my attachments...it is difficult to put into words, I'm afraid. Each time, I am taken aback...each time.
And I am remembering...something. I want it to be well-grounded, firm. Knowable. I understand the futility of wanting that; the paradox of life being the truth of things.

Paradox of Life=Truth of Things (?)

Enough of trying to figure it out (for the moment, at least).

I am resting assured that things will all work out. I am cultivating the 'unknowing' of things, getting out from under my own ideas of things and also letting the specific, singularly unique 'me' self shine through in order that I do God, nature, energetic vibratory states, justice in giving rise to this sheerly impossible phenomenon of getting to exist.

With that out of the way, I close with this. I know I will fall in love again, someday. That I will get to share in the life of another woman in a meaningful way, and that we will treat one another with real compassion, love and honor. I am thinking that my heart is truly healing, now. It feels easier to accept heart ache, and that is a great sign.

So wtf is up with my blog

Thinking thoughts about what my blog is about now. Its been around from the beginning of sorts, and now its lost something. I may just need to delete it- but, then again why? For one, the narcisstic thing bugs me. I already journal a ton. Why write here? Recently, I've gotten some responses because it feeds directly to my facebook account. So I am now aware of an actual audience, of sorts. And I am still writing about very vulnerable things. I retract a bit just thinking about that, but why should it matter one way or another. If someone read this, was helped by it in someway, perhaps something similar was going on for them, and they found relief, I guess that makes it reasonably justifiable. Then again, its another form of ego manifesting anyway. "that my words, help."
That I'm even nearly clear enough about what I may be going through, but something is improving, so that's a good place to start...
Only way to know for sure is to be honest with my words. If I can, I can hide the truth from myself pretty well sometimes. I crave sincerity these days, and I hope that will be a motivation to cut through the bullshit better.
Also, self-love. Its amazing, really. To really, just smile, to feel ease slip over me because I am off the hook with myself for a minute, and I want to kiss me for being awesome and I laugh and then it feels like being a kid again for a bit. And that is what I am thinking is worth doing now.
And balance. Balance. B A L A N C E. heh.
If that's at all possible, but I am working it out daily. I was considering the sorts of moving on I need to do and where I can do that. It is somewhere else. I am not sure yet where. It not yet time for me to leave Santa Barbara just yet, but soon. Less than a year, I'm sure. I am looking for work in the Bay, in Chicago, in New York. The last two are for the exercise of doing it. I am looking to plant roots somewhere, I want my own place to use as a hub to travel to and fro, from. So that brings up, career opportunities. Wherever I am landing my next solid gig, SOLID, gig... I go. At least as well as RXV, with me gaining momentum, better most likely. I feel like amazing things are coming and I am quite grateful for what is, now.
Soo grateful.

ten years gone

Then as it was, then again it will be
An' though the course may change sometimes
Rivers always reach the sea
Blind stars of fortune, each have several rays
On the wings of maybe, down in birds of prey
Kind of makes me feel sometimes, didn't have to grow
But as the eagle leaves the nest, it's got so far to go

Changes fill my time, baby, that's alright with me
In the midst I think of you, and how it used to be

Did you ever really need somebody, And really need 'em bad
Did you ever really want somebody, The best love you ever had
Do you ever remember me, baby, did it feel so good
'Cause it was just the first time, And you knew you would

Through the eyes an' I sparkle, Senses growing keen
Taste your love along the way, See your feathers preen
Kind of makes makes me feel sometimes, Didn't have to grow
We are eagles of one nest, The nest is in our soul

Vixen in my dreams, with great surprise to me
Never thought I'd see your face the way it used to be
Oh darlin', oh darlin'

I'm never gonna leave you. I never gonna leave
Holdin' on, ten years gone
Ten years gone, holdin' on, ten years gone

Adding my own by taking away

Crossroads, seem to come and go, yeah.
The gypsy flies from coast to coast

Knowing many, loving none,
Bearing sorrow havin fun,
But back home hell always run
To sweet... mmm...

Freight train, each car looks the same, all the same.
And no one knows the gypsys name

No one hears his lonely sigh,
There are no blankets where he lies.
In all his deepest dreams the gypsy flies
With sweet....mmm...

Again the mornings come,
Again hes on the run,
Sunbeams shining through his hair,
Appearing not to have a care.
Well, pick up your gear and gypsy roll on, roll on.

Crossroads, will you ever let him go? (lord, lord)
Will you hide the dead mans ghost,
Or will he lie, beneath the clay,
Or will his spirit roll away?

But I know that he wont stay without...

Yes I know that he wont stay without...