Saturday, May 31, 2008

A shitty weekend ahead...

I hate people BUT I am compelled to include them in my thoughts (why, I'm not sure...)
All women are bitches.
All guys will betray you if given enough reward.
The older generation is jaded and thinks you are foolish.
The younger generation is naive, is cultivating jadedness and thinks you are burned out.
Family is an artificial, modern construct. It takes the form it does to drive society.
Friends are really just other people looking to hide from the fundamental truth that we are all ALONE. They have self-serving motives.
In the battle of the sexes, women create so men can destroy. Both roles are vital to the survival of our species, but it distracts from the fact that perpetuating the cycle of life/death/life/death/life/death is completely totally moronic. The world has been, is, and always will be a miserable fucking purgatory. Any reason that people have children for other than the obviously selfish motive to further their own personal development is magical thinking. Children are just the future generation of dead-beat fathers, crack-head whore mothers, lying, greedy politicians, inmates, cheating spouses, assholes that cut you off, snearing, bitter "why the fuck am I born," sacks of flesh whose organic compounds would just as well have been better utilized if they'd combined instead to form shit. At least shit is fly food.

A nuclear bomb, a pandemic, earthquakes, rogue asteroids, or whatever other apocalyptic event that is coming I hope comes today.
That leaves God.
Or dead ancestors.
Both of which are just figments of the imagination. Which isn't a bad thing. Imagination is actually the one way we can get in contact with paradox.
Paradox is really the meat of Life anyway.
Beauty hides ugliness. The most physically beautiful people I've known over the years have tended to be terrible, selfish, deceitful, manipulative and duplicitous. Not on the surface, but once you get to know them. The entitlement is too much to bear.

Intelligence masks the worst form of ignorance: that which is based in opinion. The smartest minds in the world also tend to be miserable sacks of shit. Yes, even the absent-minded professor, star-struck with the miracles of the physical world. Its really just insecurity, but deep down, they are miserable, out-of-touch, bitter, nerds. They THINK they know too much. They, like everyone of the rest of us morons, knows exactly SHIT. Sometimes I wish I was catatonic. Or in a coma. The mind is completely evil. How much of what I think over the course of a day, a week, a lifetime do I actually believe? Very little. So much of what the mind spits out is really just sewage. Sub-conscious excrement, perhaps. And yet, how much of what we experience is dictated by this? I gather that most idiots believe their thoughts. Just watch a couple fight over petty bullshit.
Its quite revealing. The argument ensues. Each takes a side. As the conflict develops, communication breaks down. By the time it is over, chances are nothing is accomplished but to stir up emotions, create negative memories (another bullshit mind product). They should have just had sex, then passed out. Two less people consuming for awhile if nothing else. If they had kids, well...
Romantic love does not exist.
Love, as in the experience of grace, humility and reverence when one recognizes that this is all meaningless, that your eyes are teared up, but you want to laugh, and that you are both a unique snowflake and so is every single everything else is valid. Just like anger or sadness or joy is.
Romantic love is fiction however. It does not last forever, it does not heal, it does not do anything because its not real. When one (and I remember this fairly well) feels like they are in love, or falling in love or whatever, the truth of life is momentarily dispelled. Like a couple shots of Cuervo, it helps to gloss over all of the fact that we are just stinky, greedy, fearful, deceitful primates. And yet, that is the point of life? To feel love? Bullshit. The point of life is that there is no point. There is just a perception of time. Over the duration, certain things make having to endure it bearable. Just because they change your perception doesn't mean that that perception is fundamentally more correct than any other. Tie to this all the hoops people jump through, all the abuse they tolerate, all the dishonesty and confusion and frustration, and inevitably, disappointment that ensues. Love is really just a fucking distraction. Far more good would be done if the vast majority of people just went out into the wilderness and sat still until the died. Hell, maybe everyone should. The animals would be better off.

Friday, May 30, 2008

car wreck

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his-chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, letting me go

Cause I just can't look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside

I never...
I never...
I never...
I never...
Fuck this shit, my God.

I completely screwed the pooch on this one. All those years when I was depressed, bereaved, hollowed out by the difficulty of accepting Vicki's craziness...

That she was never going to be able to connect with me like a normal person does, and that she was also going to be dead soon.

This is what I've reaped...
There is no one left.

I feel weaker, not stronger as a result of the last few months.

I've managed to push just about every important person in my life away...
I'd try to adjust this, but I am learning its cyclic, too.
I've always had 'social sabbaticals' as it were, completely disconnecting from people and trying to 'fix' my shit so I can go back better able to deal with them, their hypocrisies, the ennui, the human-ness...
God damn this funk.

I am still pining, but its sooo fucking artificial at this point...
I know its over, hell, it never was 'started' which means that it couldn't be over, per se but nonetheless...
The whole affair turned out about as terribly wrong as it could have. It never did get off the ground.

I obviously never got the memo...
STAY THE FUCK AWAY, I believe it was titled.

Well, the truth was
I fell so hard, so fast for someone that was about as emotionally unavailable as a person can get and still be kind about how they reject you...I got carried away believing that all the profound meaning I was experiencing was somehow sustainable. And in sustainable, I mean I could somehow control it. In control it, I mean...

HA-MOTHERFUCKING-HA!


Fuck you, Heart! Fuck you, Dreams! Fuck you desire! Fuck you for being soo motherfucking beautiful, so wounded...


What a fucked up mess I've managed to make of the last 6 months of my life...
I don't have much faith in it turning around anytime soon, either. I am just so fucking angry that I sacrificed everything that I sacrificed, feeling sorry for myself and wondering how soon is too soon to start praying that God just kill me.
I do do a lot of driving on the freeway...
It wouldn't be too much to ask for me to get in wreck. At least it'd be exhilarating in a terrifying sort of way...



I want now to just get over this as soon as I fucking can. I don't know what else to do, but shit, I have to get something else going because...
I have this fundamental inability to get over myself sufficiently enough to motivate to humiliate myself in the way one needs to in order to make contact with other people. Stubborness.
At this point, I think I may not go to Burning Man...
I hope soon enough I can just smirk about all this shit. I thought that I'd be okay in a month. We'll see...
I could get it up to go out and fuck random bitches, and I will likely get back to that place I can get to with it, but it does come with a certain amount disdain, hence my reluctance. I am just too much of a lover, first, and a sexual being second.

fuck you all, anyway.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

demon spawn


They are fucking demon spawn. Who would want a job as despicable as this? Its like the tax collector during the Dark Ages. Padding the coffers of the powers-that-be with arbitrary, needless citations that serves only to drive the population to the point of rage. If anyone is privy to the next DPT bbq or large gathering, please post here. I feel like punching each and every current, past and future DPT metermotherfucker square in the genitals. They deserve no sympathy for their work. And the prince of darkness himself, Gavin Newsom! Ha! I hope he has a heart attack during one of his coke-fueled binges. Coke likely purchased with money he's pilfered every time we forget to move our car, in our neighborhood. Every time a minion from hell decides that that ticky-fucking-tack Vehicle Ordinance does apply. Oh look! a tire not quite turned all the way out! Cackles! Yay! More coke for Gavin! Cha-ching! $50.00! Cha-ching! $100.00!


Its fucking criminal.


As if the cost of living in this city wasn't high enough. Having a vehicle is quickly becoming as yet another indicator of class position. Fuel prices nearly $5.00/gal. Insurance premiums ~$1000.00/year. Taxes. Registration. Parking tickets. Parking tickets should be reflective of the relative cost of the privilege of owning a vehicle. Something in the neighborhood of $10-20/ticket. A slap on the wrist. Not the potentially full days pay working at the supposedly "working wage," this city deems is livable. Its livable, if you are also on welfare, use the unsophisticated public transit, don't have any ambitions for owning a vehicle. I wish an act of God would completely obliterate the entire infrastructure of the DPT.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Living in the moment...



"Expect nothing but the Unexpected."
"Be open, let go of preconceptions."

... Ad nauseum, is what I've read/heard about how to approach BM. I am trying to bring that philosophy back into my life NOW, as in, begin to have this awareness, letting go of control in the “default” world so as to make the transition that much smoother... Then I think-



Of course, there is no amount of theory that is going to replace actual experience. I get that part. I am not going into it blindly.

loose goals:

attend the temple burn in order that I may have a memorial service for V.
dance freely
hallucinate/clear my head of tired thinking.
fall in love, run away with said lover, be happy, have lots of sex, and live life like its Burning Man 365! Oh wait…?
See?
It creeps in. Part of me hopes she is there. I know that I am setting myself up for disappointment here, and that is why I am trying to attend to these imaginal projections now. We’ll see as the date gets closer.

Monday, May 26, 2008

drugs I


Burning Man is synonymous with drugs. You go to BM to go do drugs with a bunch of other people doing drugs for the sake of doing drugs, being high, and being more open. Okay, sounds fun. But-

1. Not everyone is high. Booze is far easier to obtain, its used as currency, in a sense. As I am reading, the best gifts are practical ones. What is more practical at a 8 day art/music/party/love/festival/celebration than booze?

2. Lots of Law Enforcement. They smell weed, they search you. You smoke a jay on the playa, you get searched, ticketed (arrested?) fined.

3. Dehydration
This is already an issue for partiers in the relative comfort of a club, much less 100+ degree temps, in bone dry conditions. Under the influence of something that makes it difficult for you to remember to breath? I'm guessing staying hydrated isn't high up on the priority list.

4. The Come down
Coming down off of hallucinogens or E is bad enough when you get to do it at home, in your own bed, with your own food, with your own bathroom and shower, etc. Trying to handle the down: sleep deprived, thirsty, hot, sun-burned, dirty, malnourished, wind-crazed and cranky seems like something that would be on Fear Factor.

With that said, here is a hierarchy of drugs used (as far as I've read)*
1 Booze
2 Pot
3 E
4 Shrooms
5 Acid
6 Opium
7 DMT
...
100 Ayahuasca

Then again, that's true of just about any party/rave/all-night dance/music festival anytime, anywhere.

*(but I don't know yet, haven't been.)

Monday, May 19, 2008

Staggers

Stag camp will be my home at Burning Man this year. The more I read through the old and new posts, the more I am excited. I've smiled several times, laughing at times too, at what's been said. Awesome. Oh, I almost got up a little while ago to go check on my ticket after reading about where people store theirs. Heh.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Its dawning on me now...


Joe said "You can't back out now..! haha!" when I showed him my ticket.

Shit...! its slowly been dawning on me now, that yes, I am in fact actually going...shit! I mean, I guess I could still sell the ticket, but now I am getting nervous.

What if I am fucking miserable, and grouchy and have a shitty time, lonely afraid, and tired, eating and drinking and shitting in foreign ways.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Golden Ticket

I picked it up from Sports Basement on Bryant @ 16th. Woot! Okay, time for phase II. Collecting stuff. Next step, get my shade structure/tent situation worked out. I am debating 3 different shade structures.I've considered an RV, too. Or a 10' bobtail. 195- for the week for a 10' bobtail. The RV would be nearly that per day, I think. Anyway, its not a real prospect for now. I am still venturing forth alone with no other economy to consider. I am open to whatever Life provides, in that regard. I'll do my part by working hard all summer, saving, collecting and preparing. The rest of it will work itself out.
Back to the tent itself...


My main concern at this point with any shade structure is the durability of it in the 75mph winds. Rebar is key, regardless. The dome is the best bet for a solid structure, but its got the most time investment. I'd prefer that the Teepee/tension tent worked out, but I have no way of knowing. I mean, I have to get there alone, set up camp, alone and still have enough space for all my other supplies. Water, and lots of it...what the fuck is it, 2.5 gallons/day/person? that's 9x2.5=22.5 gallons of water, or 9 of those big water jugs at Safeway. I should buy all that shit now and store it. I want to start to get a sense now of exactly how much space my car has.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Broken

knew it was coming. never should have gotten involved. She was right in warning me. I feel empathy and if they're beautifully to the point of driving me insane, all the better.
I regret having thrown myself so hard & so soon into something which can hardly be called anything, given that I just made it all up in my head.

C'est la vie-
Pour disparaître maintenant. Je t'aime, mais maintenant J'ai le coeur brisé. adieu, mon beau fou.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Ticket III

I have yet to buy my ticket.
Of course, I've been broke, so that is definitely not helping. That will be over by Friday. $295 @ Sport's Basement on Bryant. I'll get it Friday after work. In the meantime, I've had a lot more time to really consider going. And in light of recent events, I MUST go...
I'll build a dome, I'm thinking...
or maybe the tension tent.
Preparations...
The first thing is the ticket. Once I have my golden ticket, I'll focus my attention on getting supplies culled together. I am really going to go alone. I want to live up to the tenet of radical self-sufficiency. I want to go to honor her, her spirit-

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Sunbathing on the sidewalk

Is apparently offensive, illegal, and grounds for calling the police. Hmmm...
I was on my lunch break, and as I've been doing for about a week now in preparation for BM's brutal sun, I was lying on the ground, head propped up on my backpack and shirt, getting about 30 min of sun.
"Sir..."
"Sir!" she said.
I rolled over, looked around confusedly for a second, and then saw the security guard on the opposite side of a fence.
"I'm going to have to ask you to not lay there. People have complained, and this is private property."
To reiterate, it was the sidewalk on a small side street off Harrison around 19th. In other words, deserted.
"What? This is the sidewalk. Its not private property," I scoffed, still confused.
"You don't have to comply, I understand you wanting to be here, but I'll have to call the cops," she softened a little-
"I don't mind you being here," she continued,
"Lots of people have complained, is all."
What people? Oh, the people up in their offices? Who complained, I wondered.
Anyway, I had to be back at work in ten minutes. I got under my skin, however. I did end up ranting to my co-workers.
Sometimes San Francisco can be way too nit-picky about shit.
If someone was laying on a quiet side street down south, I'm sure people would not only not care, but hardly even notice, much less complain.
They'd intuit that the person was "enjoying some rays," but up here, its serious business, apparently.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

To quit work after BM or to stay...

I am sick of my job. I can use it to get me to Blackrock City in 4 months, however. Upon return, I'd love to be doing something completely new. Something that could benefit from the creative energy I'll have, or want to use. More on this as August approaches

Glow

What to do about the pitch black night time? This year, it will be a new-ish moon, meaning, really fucking dark. That has me thinking about costume/clothing/safety concerns. My first (generic) idea is to buy a bunch of glow-in-the-dark string/twine, and sew it into a few different pieces of clothing in concentric circles around the limbs & body. To create a cylindrical volume effect. Then, just get a blacklight pocket lamp, dangle it from a string, and wear it when I need to glow up.

Other thoughts are a bunch of those 22" gitd necklaces, connected together, and secured around the body, or attached to hair, etc. Paint? Too messy, potentially...GITD gaff tape is available, too.

links:
http://www.blacklight.com/blacklight/Items!OpenView&Start=11&RestrictToCategory=Blacklight%20Flashlights
http://www.coolight.com/category-s/68.htm

Into the Wild

I've watched it twice. There is something to the re-telling of the story that sends me back to when I was more free-spirited, more wander-lusty, more faithful in life providing for whatever I'd need. I have to admit that it was part of what got me thinking I'd actually enjoy, (thrive!) at BM this year. The scene that hit closest to home was when he re-emerges from Mexico and tries to utilize social services in Los Angeles only to be reminded of the life he abandoned.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Ticket: Part II

Just saw a craigslist posting from someone wanting to sell their BM ticket for $250.00 I emailed them, hopefully I'll get lucky. Well, I am already lucky, but...maybe this will be one more thing to make that true.

Ticket: Part I


I have a ticket on hold at Sport's Basement for a week. $295.00. I need to pay rent still, a few other bills due soon, but my next check will more than make up for it. I am debating whether I will buy 2 or just one. If I got another ticket, I could always give it to someone as a gift. If all else failed, I could sell it close to the event, or at the gate for at least what I paid for it. I hope that's not against the rules, it sounds like it probably is. Burning Man maintains a strict stance on commerce. Alas, I have a lot to learn.