car wreck

I'm coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his-chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, letting me go

Cause I just can't look its killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr Brightside

I never...
I never...
I never...
I never...

Fuck this shit, my God.

I completely screwed the pooch on this one. All those years when I was depressed, bereaved, hollowed out by the difficulty of accepting Vicki's craziness...

That she was never going to be able to connect with me like a normal person does, and that she was also going to be dead soon.

This is what I've reaped...
There is no one left.
I feel weaker, not stronger as a result of the last few months.

I've managed to push just about every important person in my life away...
I'd try to adjust this, but I am learning its cyclic, too.
I've always had 'social sabbaticals' as it were, completely disconnecting from people and trying to 'fix' my shit so I can go back better able to deal with them, their hypocrisies, the ennui, the human-ness...
God damn this funk.

I am still pining, but its sooo fucking artificial at this point...
I know its over, hell, it never was 'started' which means that it couldn't be over, per se but nonetheless...
The whole affair turned out about as terribly wrong as it could have. It never did get off the ground.

I obviously never got the memo...
STAY THE FUCK AWAY, I believe it was titled.

Well, the truth was I fell so hard, so fast for someone that was about as emotionally unavailable as a person can get and still be kind about how they reject you...I got carried away believing that all the profound meaning I was experiencing was somehow sustainable. And in sustainable, I mean I could somehow control it. In control it, I mean...

HA-MOTHERFUCKING-HA!

Fuck you, Heart! Fuck you, Dreams! Fuck you desire! Fuck you for being soo motherfucking beautiful, so wounded...

What a fucked up mess I've managed to make of the last 6 months of my life...
I don't have much faith in it turning around anytime soon, either. I am just so fucking angry that I sacrificed everything that I sacrificed, feeling sorry for myself and wondering how soon is too soon to start praying that God just kill me.
I do do a lot of driving on the freeway...
It wouldn't be too much to ask for me to get in wreck. At least it'd be exhilarating in a terrifying sort of way...



I want now to just get over this as soon as I fucking can. I don't know what else to do, but shit, I have to get something else going because...
I have this fundamental inability to get over myself sufficiently enough to motivate to humiliate myself in the way one needs to in order to make contact with other people. Stubborness.
At this point, I think I may not go to Burning Man...
I hope soon enough I can just smirk about all this shit. I thought that I'd be okay in a month. We'll see...
I could get it up to go out and fuck random bitches, and I will likely get back to that place I can get to with it, but it does come with a certain amount disdain, hence my reluctance. I am just too much of a lover, first, and a sexual being second.

fuck you all, anyway.