Rant

I need help.

The last few years I've been pushing along mostly totally on my own. Made some new friends, travelled around, worked in different places doing random different things. And now I am realizing, I still have not successfully (to my satisfaction) taken care of the responsibilities in my life I want to.

I am constantly late on rent. My bills go long. I am unemployed. Art is basically non-existent. I have teeth that I want to keep and need to spend about $4000.00 to get healthy. When I left to pursue my fortune, as it were, my intentions were to 'see what I was made of'.

I worked for about a year before freaking out because I was living beyond my means. So-left SF, lived in my truck and tried to find a life that I loved. Along the way, my health started to turn. Specifically, my dental health. And it's been two years since that began and I am realizing, nothing I want would be worth having if it included having it while my teeth still feel as they do. Swollen, cavities, root canals.

And...I fucking hate going to the dentist. Something about just how fucking vulnerable it feels. Having a complete (though certified and educated) stranger put sharp objects into my mouth and carve, cut, grind and poke me while I lay back and trust they are doing right. And most of the time, the anxiety is manageable. Occasionally, they hit a nerve, poke a sensitive spot or probe somewhere and I wince. And I remember, I PROMISED myself, when I had a tooth removed years ago, that I would never, NEVER feel that again. And yet, I go days sometimes, now, without brushing, flossing, anything.

Neglect. My favorite thing to hate.

Neglect. Entropy takes root, decay, death.

So I'm now thinking thoughts about my mental health, about how I want to see this through. I'll do whatever I have to do to move through this and be on the other side of it- My being satisfied with my own life. That I meet my responsibilities to my own satisfaction. What does that mean? I don't know, but I do know that I need help and I cannot do it alone. I am going to have to be willing to accept advice, assistance and care from places and people I may not want to accept. But I cannot do this alone. I am proving that to myself. I resent that I am not stronger, but I am not.

I still do not have what I envisioned I would.

A good life, after Justine. A car, a job, a girlfriend, good health, a home. A fucking home. I haven't felt like I was 'home' since I left.

I have to create it myself.
No shortcuts.
Do the work.

And in that, I need help. Because I honestly don't know if I can even do the work. I wiggle, wrestle and shake from responsibilities as readily as a crack head gives head for a rock. I resent being 'tied down' and yet, without the vast amount of support that Justine provided to my life, I am without a net. I have to submit to the normal way, to normalize, or I will fall through the cracks. I can already feel it happening. The contextualization of being on the road in a Kerouac-esque mode falls apart because I am doing the easy thing: giving up, again. Being lazy and not buckling down. For myself.

So, I am going to let this recent thing play out. Go visit Vicki's grave. Do my ritual goodbye. And then go up to Santa Barbara to see friends. From there, I am thinking things will become clearer. I will be in touch with my family again. I have enough unemployment income coming in to feed myself, tend to any immediate dental concerns, help out Keelan with his bus, and go from there.

I set some really lofty intentions and some basic intentions. At the very least, I want for my basic intentions to get handled.

I forsee a day someday, relatively soon, where I am living on my own, have a dog, am fit, healthy and working hard in my career and am at peace. I have a routine and am happy, on a basic level, again. I was there before, I will get there again, someday.

But I need help. I may start using antidepressants. Whatever I need to do. See a counselor again. The fact that I don't pay back money I borrow fucks with me. The fact that I cannot hold down even a simple job, fucks with me. The fact that I am broke, going to be homeless again and am still trying to find a way to survive- fucks with me.

If all this is, is emotional/mental health imbalance, then I'll be grateful. I do know that feel way too much for my liking. Everything seems to get in, especially when I am stressed out. And I am not so prideful as to see that my way hasn't fucking worked. I am not 'getting it done'. I have even less to show for all my effort than I did 3 years ago, when I had barely anything then.

If I am really am just going to turn out like my Vicki did, then so be it. That'd be fine-if it's out of my control. But the one thing I know she should have done, that I am uncertain whether she ever did do, is seek help. Trust people, ask for help and feel compassion for herself.

Anyway, I know I am capable of self-discipline. In the past, I have used it to master certain skills. The last few years have been harder than I ever imagined it would be, and yet, I think that I have learned a lot from it all. I still have a lot I want to do in life. Things and places I want to see. I can take my time and do what I can, when I can.

For now, as in today, I have all of $10, need a pack of cigs, have about 3-4 pieces of bread and about enough coffee for one more cup. No sugar. I had to steal some of Keelan's this morning. I have a tab at the A & Sons market. I owe them $27.00 already. Hopefully tomorrow, I get my next Unemployment check. If not maybe Saturday.

We are very close to calling quits on this place. Which will free up, temporarily, some liquid cash that I can eat with again. But I will be homeless. And that will add additional stress.

For some wierd reason, I have this sense that after I travel south, it will all work out somehow. Like the struggle will be over. I am done struggling.

A brand new dawn

Emerges. I am fucking psyched up about what is coming. Santa Barbara, LA, Vegas, Thailand, FRANCE? I want to live in a French speaking country. I can see myself in Côte d'zur- Nice, AMSTERDAM?

Wherever. I mean..why not?
Ooooh ya, the practical shit. The actually 'doing it' part...
Ya.
At least I know what I want. I believe that it will work out, perfectly-in that way of things-and I can seem myself walking streets in European cities, and remind myself that I remember seeing being here.

It has happened before, and I believe it will happen again.

- via iPhone.

you're a fine girl

There's a port on a western bay and it serves a hundred ships a day
Lonely sailors pass the time away and talk about their homes

And there's a girl in this harbor town and she works layin' whiskey down
They say, Brandy, fetch another round, she serves them whiskey and wine

The sailors say, Brandy, you're a fine girl
What a good wife you would be
Yeah, your eyes could steal a sailor from the sea

Brandy wears a braided chain made of finest silver from the north of Spain
A locket that bears the name of the man that brandy loves

He came on a summer's day bringin' gifts from far away
But he made it clear he couldn't stay, no harbor was his home

The sailor said, Brandy, you're a fine girl
What a good wife you would be
But my life, my lover, my lady is the sea

Yeah, Brandy used to watch his eyes when he told his sailor stories
She could feel the ocean foam rise, she saw its ragin' glory

But he had always told the truth, Lord, he was an honest man
And Brandy does her best to understand

At night when the bars close down, Brandy walks through a silent town
And loves a man who's not around, she still can hear him say

She hears him say, Brandy, you're a fine girl
What a good wife you would be
But my life, my lover, my lady is the sea

Brandy, you're a fine girl
What a good wife you would be
But my life, my lover, my lady is the sea

Brandy, you're a fine girl
What a good wife you would be
But my life, my lover, my lady is the sea

Brandy, you're a fine girl
What a good wife you would be
But my life, my lover, my lady is the sea

What is on my mind lately...

Paris!
Thailand!
New Car, sex, job, apartment, money, joy, effortless action.
Burning Man 2011-2012
Creative network of friends, artists, professionals-
projects?
Home.
Build my library of books I love.
What is coming?

What do I want?

I want a good home, with a solid foundation and a meaningful income. I want in the short term to eat good food, sleep soundly, to get stoned and dream big and set in action several possibilities; focus each one, and diversify my scope.

Get a good job here, get a room here, save money, go to Thailand, then Europe?
-running out of time on address. May have to give notice. May get a job tomorrow. I am open to either.
Put stuff in storage, travel around, live the hippy dream, meet new people, connect with people with similar ideas, build from those ideas. Grow an organization and profit from the result of it financially.

-work lots
-trim work.
Two points of interest:
I have no grow connections.
I do have some money coming in.
Keelan does have connections.
Is it worth puting up with the same old (stressed out) Kilo to *maybe* get some trim work? And in the meantime, travel around in a VW, looking for other people who are 'on the path'?
Potentially having to sleep in the outdoors, having to live cheaply while we get it done?

None of that sounds like what I want...

What I want is completely different.
To move home. To be home. To work for something bigger than myself. To participate in new life. To wake up every morning, grateful that I get to live the life I do, the REAL life I do, not the idea that, if I just keep being positive, it will EVENTUALLY get better.
I know it will all work out, what I really want is for it to be working out, RIGHT NOW.
I want love, companionship, sex, intimacy. I want financial abundance, gift giving, sharing, joy. I want stability, foundation, good food, health and wellbeing.

Move into a room in SF, hotel, if necessary. Get ANY job. Save my UI income+deposit toward a new place. Disengage from Keelan's train. Go my own way.

Focus my thoughts and ideas on what I want, not what anyone else wants, not what my folks, my friends, my ex-loves, my room mate, or anything else. But what I want...

And realize, that I am going to put the energy into seeing it come about. It is really quite simple.

TO BE CONTINUES.............

The Crucible or Running the Gauntlet naked, grinning like a loon

Those that really know me, know I can be pretty fucking hard on my self. Outright mean, sometimes. Evil. And in the past, I used that as a means to motivate myself toward doing what I thought was what I should be doing. To work hard at something I was bad at, to 'buckle down' and humble myself to submit.

As a result of the last few years of growth, learning, life experience and aging I have found that being hard on myself is less effective. Frankly, it doesn't work at all. After a bout of it, I often smile to myself.  I know Something. I know that I know Something, and yet I am unconcerned that I do not really know what it is. I feel grace in the awareness that I Know. And that knowing is directly related to belief. And belief is the magic of what life is all about. Believe. Not think, not hope, not want, not NEED, but...Believe.

 And understanding that doubt, fear, uncertainty are doing exactly what they are designed to do. To believe is to understand that that will pass. Belief will never pass as long as you believe. Simple and elegant and just how I like truth.

Resumes, CVs, Artist Statements, and the lies hidden within

My current resume is a lie.

I've worked in so many different jobs, in different places, for different things, room + board, money, health insurance to name a few, that to put it into a resume would read more like the description of some wandering vagabond's exploits, than as a promise of work reliability, i.e. good monkey skills.

So...

Where does that leave me?
I am wondering if I started an entirely new resume, and looked into entirely new work, what would come of it.
Which is to say, I am suspicious of my current resume's ability to truly communicate what I believe I have that would be of value to someone's organization; to leverage said abilities, skills, knowledge-bases and then create that message in the form of some document.

Here's the deal:

What I've actually done:

Work History Breakdown

1998-1999
Carwash in Soquel
-move to Santa Barbara to be with Justine

1999-2000
Unemployed in Santa barbara
-move to San Diego with Justine

2000-2000
Kinkos in San Diego

2000-2001
-move back to santa barbara, sbcc,
Kinkos in Santa Barbara
-get into SFAI

2001-2005
-move to San Francisco, CA with Justine, Kiaran, Sara
@ SFAI Fulltime student
live on loans from Jean/Justine, and school grants

Worked in New Genres Department (part time)
Started first stint at Rental Express Video

2005-2006
Unemployed
Worked odd freelance jobs
Justine Supported me

2006-2007
Justine Supported me
few random freelance jobs, started 2nd stint at Rental Express

2007-2008
Rental Express Video
-leave SF, travel throughout CA looking for alternative work opportunities

2008-2009

-Live in Isla Vista CA

UPS driver helper, random labor gigs: built trailhead in Los Padres, worked in desert center, CA @ jojoba been farm,
Received Unemployment Insurance

-Live in Santa Barbara, CA

2009-2010
move to Oakland, CA with Keelan

2009-2011
Unemployed

2011-
What’s next?

What I use on my resume:


EXPERIENCE
Technical Consultant, Video Production, Santa Barbara, Bay Area CA 2008-present
Freelance video consultant assisting with color correction, camera advice, and photographic & creative look concerns.  Clients include: David Hutt Productions as a technical consultant, as well as provided design and creative consultation to Globtrox Productions primaries

Video Technician, Rental Express Video, San Francisco, CA 2005-2008
Chief Technician responsible for the maintenance of $1M inventory of broadcast High Definition & Standard Definition video components, company vehicles and support equipment. Technical duties included gear delivery, camera chain construction, Flypack set-up, Routers, Switchers, monitoring and  equipment Set & strike

Production Assistant, Self-Employed, San Francisco, CA 2002-2005
Worked with a wide variety of clients including Photon Creative, Tom Donald Films, Ubisoft, among others. Duties included pre-production set, gaffing, lighting, and tele-prompt operation. Post-production duties included audio sweetening, video editing, motion graphics design and rotoscoping

Technical Monitor, San Francisco Art Institute, San Francisco, CA 2003-2004
Assisted students with audio and video equipment concerns and tutorials, as well as software (Final Cut Pro, Photoshop, ProTools, among others). Additional duties included studio up-keep, gear check in and inventory control

Computer Services Lead, Kinko’s, San Diego, Santa Barbara & San Francisco, CA 1998-2000
Responsibilities included computer maintenance and upgrades on both Apple and PC platforms. Assisted customers with design software concerns to streamline computer time usage and complete time sensitive projects expediently


EDUCATION
San Francisco Art Institute, San Francisco, CA
Bachelor of Fine Arts, New Genres.

SKILLS
Apple and PC systems administration & software installation.
Standard Definition video component operation and set up: switchers, routers, decks, TC generators, teleprompt operation
Familiarity with HDCAM, P2 media, DVCAM, miniDV, BetaSP, Digibeta. Streaming video, codecs.
Software proficiences: Adobe Photoshop CS, InDesign, Avid Express, Final Cut Pro, MS Office Suite, Open Office.




Hmmm...

pretty much bullshit. Which is to say, a resume.

This is an on-going thing. Going back years into this blog will reveal my difficulties with finding my fit in the work world. Maybe I am just a grifter. Maybe my job is never to have a job. To figure out how to never work, period.

Sounds like a rationalization and yet, there it all is.
Regardless, what I am realizing more and more, is that I want it all.

To be free enough to travel the world and secure enough to have a home to come back to when I need to rest.
I want to take my perceptions international. I want to engage in conversations that are global in scope. With people from places that are outside the United States. In places outside the United States. I want to get a clear understanding of our abundance in this country. I also believe that it comes at a price. I would like to experience other cultures in other countries and talk to people who are native as well as other travelers about what they believe. I want to share my beliefs and engage with intelligent discourse about how to help the world orchestrate a future that benefits our global community; regional is global.

So what do I have going for me?

I am single. Male. White. 37 years old. I have no dependents. I have a college degree from a prestigious art school. I am articulate. Open minded. I can work in many different fields. I have broad general knowledge and very specific expert knowledge. I am creative, intelligent and in good health. I like to see new places, I am interested in global culture and how much more similar we are than different. Yes, we are clearly diverse, but that diversity is a collection subtle, minor differences in what comprise the whole of what we truly all are: Human.

This is a rambling post.
I am fundamentally unsatisfied with accepting that working some job, JUST to keep some apartment JUST to work some job is enough.

Maslow's hierarchy comes to mind...