55 days...

or 8 weeks until I leave for Burning Man. Exactly 40 work days until then.

• I start back Fulltime at work this week, too.

• We have a new admin training today, her name is Alicia (sp), pronounced Ah-lee-cee-Ah...

• Speaking of the admin position, since I've been back there have been four: Danielle, Sarah, Jennifer + Lindsey. Danielle quit, Sarah was fired, Jennifer only stayed a week, Lindsey vanished. We'll see with Alicia...In a couple weeks, Jeremy starts in Rich's position. Russ will be back end of July, David mid-late August...

• Found: http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sby/spo/737254273.htmlLooks sturdy- they want $50.00 for it. If its complete, I found my tent...Should hold up to playa weather no problem...

• In thinking about my current plight (namely not getting laid in awhile) it occurred to me that part of why it may not be happening right now is because God/Fate/Life has something bigger planned for me. If I were to get involved with anyone right now, I would surely, if I was interested/attracted, be distracted and make being involved the next thing I "do." It is apparent to me that I must get more going in my life so that I am ready for whomever next comes into my life...

• It'll be July soon, that's eight months since I last saw J...crazy how time seems to fly by even when you're not necessarily having all that great a time.

• Spent yesterday kicking it with Greg. Turns out he's still in the same roommate situation he was in back in Nov-Dec...

• Saw the epic film "Mongol," based on the life of Genghis Khan. Pretty bloody, but quite good.

Stuffed Monkey parts

Got some inspiration to begin some costume items. I dismantled all most of our old stuffed monkeys, removing the heads, legs, arms and tails. I plan to affix them to the felt hat seen in the photo:

The Heads, I'm thinking will circle around the rim, attached to the top portion, with the arms, legs and tails attached directly on top, like dreads.

More pics, as I make progress.

Friends

Over the years, I've had several different circles of friends that, while we were friends, we were tight.
Graham, Jon, Mike and I... Carlos, Adam, Alicia, Courtney... Alberto, Will, Sean, Silas... Ryan, Howard, Gretchen, Mikie, KEN! Rob & Posse...Shaggy, Kinton, Greg, Monster, Debbie (shudder)...SFAI heads...
And each time, the cycle renews itself. I gain new ones, I lose touch with the old ones.

I think its about to begin anew again.

For some time, I've not had a solid core of friends. Not since SFAI was still in full swing. I've lost touch with Albert. Linder and Lance are both in NY. Ermin is in LA. Erik still calls on occasion. Adam is around (sorta). But I am losing interest again in the work it takes to maintain the current crop of "old," friends. In the past, the best way to "let go," was just to move away. While I'm seriously considering where I want to live next, I am not planning on moving again anytime soon. What I do know is, I am sick of how boring the couple of people I know now, are. Which is definitely my fault.




I am not sure whether the Burner crowd is where I will find new friends or not, but I am no longer satisfied with the friendships I have now. I certainly checked out of life for a good couple years. In doing so, I've lost touch. For awhile, I chalked it up to the grief I was under: that the people in my life were too immature to deal with someone dealing with such a difficult ordeal. That the last few of my SFAI friends are more fair-weather than I had wanted to admit.
Now I realize its that I pushed them away. I blamed them for not being more active in trying to 'be there...'
Anyway, I am sick of feeling resentful, so I am done. Losing a couple more people now wont make much difference. I've all but lost everyone again now anyway.
So the cycle goes...
I'll be involved in a grand group of folks once again, its just a matter of time. In the meanwhile, I am happy to be alone, if it makes me happier than to be with any of you.
Which it does.
So it goes...

Taxes and Stimulus

Decided late last night, "I wonder if I do get a refund on my income tax from last year?" So, on June 26th, at about 10pm, I filed my taxes, and yes I do get a fairly good chunk of change back, thank you very much. Which is huge, given that I definitely need money for the continued accumulation of gear for the Apocalypse er, Burning Man. With that said, I should also get a Stimulus check, so that ought to be helpful as well. I should change my exemption status for this year so I don't owe anything.

Re: the Stimulus payment: Seems a bit medieval to me that the Fed thinks it will actually help "stimulate," the economy by throwing a few hundred bucks at several million poor Americans. Just goes to show you just how broken our current administration truly is. Its like that evil dictator of a King, sensing his time is all but done, desperately hoping to salvage some of his royal subjects favor, decides to throw fresh, instead of stale bread to the great unwashed. Problem is, They've been starving for so long that its seen not as a generous gesture, but as a desperate attempt to gain favor. So they take it but it doesn't change the fact that if they had the chance, they'd run him up the gallows.

BM add for gear on CL SF

Will be attending BM this year, but do not have any of the basics. Specifically, I am looking for:

1. Tent ($50 or less)
2. shade structure ($50 or less, an old dome, monkeyhut, costco carport, whatever)
3. ice chest ($20-30)
4. chairs (? depends on how comfy...)
5. sleeping bag (new or new-ish, no noticable human wear i.e. bodily fluid stains, smells new or like fresh laundry)
6. cot (? no idea what these go for)
7. costume stuff (Hats, clothing, odds/ends like bunny ears, beards, masks, anything colorful)
8. lighting (EL Wire, christmas lights, glow bracelets, if you have better suggestions, let me know)
9. bike rack (for car $30-40)
10. Air Mattress ($15-20)
11. Fire extinguisher (? $10)
12. basic camp stove

Would like to get this stuff gathered/acquired by the end of July. I am short on funds, but am willing to pay/negotiate/barter what is fair. Let me know, my ph# is 415.314.7496- J

Essential Links

The Happening

Some thoughts:

Lacked depth. While Hitchcock's influence was present, it felt like an affectation, not the result of well-orchestrated suspense.
Rushed.
Moments of truly terrible acting.
Not nearly as scary as The Birds, the first film I was reminded of...
Illustrations of how to maim a body are plentiful to the point of being comical, or campy. I wanted to laugh at one point, probably not his intention...
I still liked it for some reason. Maybe because it was so bad, or maybe because I want to believe in M. Night Shyamalan's work. Unbreakable and Sixth Sense were both well done. The last few: Mel Gibson and the water-allergic aliens, the period Quaker era thriller with Jaoquin Phoenix, the lady and the water...notsomuch.

sprouts from ashes, burns anew

See previous post, for an example of my favorite brand. Kidding aside, since I decided to go to BM, I keep thinking about how to put into my life NOW the practices, ideas, attitudes that appear to be so much of what doing BM is. Namely, self-reliance, intuition, openning up to the moment, inviting randomness, cultivating unknowing...

The past few weeks, have been difficult. Because of how attached I've become to knowing shit ahead of time. The more I lose, the more I am grappling for control.

A few meltdowns later and I feel a bit more grounded again. Yes, getting to BM is doable, I think. It really must be my primary focus now, however. Which is to say, directing my resources, time and energy into getting my the basics covered, get CReaTiVe! prOducTive: Fucking MAke Some ShiT!, and cultivate unkowing...

There, I said it...

Most importantly in my mind now, however, is to take things slooooow. Just chill the fuck out for awhile, and do things at an even, measured pace. I'll get there because I've made my mind up to do whatever it takes to get there. I WILL go to Burning Man 2008.

Notes/Thoughts on random notes/thoughts

1. Not dreaming as much as I was in, say, October. However, when I do dream now, its quite a bit more vivid. And banal, for the most part. Aside from the occasional memory-dream about J, I find that most of my dreams are about work, random replayed experiences related to quotidian existence.
2. Eating well is difficult now that I only feed myself. With J, aside from the power-struggle over who cooked and why, we'd eat well most every night. Exceptionally well if one considers how often we'd go out to dinner. I haven't had a really nice home-cooked meal in 6 months. No 'roni. No cheesy eggs. No scallop potatoes. No baked anything (ziti, enchiladas, lasagne). Nor have I had a nice sitdown meal. No Pane E Vino, no il Cantuccio, no Q's, no Chow...
3. Its due in small part to a lack of a real kitchen, sure. Its also due to my not having the inspiration to eat as well as I once did because part of the deal before was about puting love in the dish for us to share. Nothing to share anymore.
4. Clutter. I have managed to cut down on the clutter in my life to a considerable degree if compared to what life was like back in the late summer/fall...
5. Speaking of that time, pretty soon It'll have been a year since J and I went to see Stephen and Photi in upstate NY. If I had known then, that I was going to pull a Brian (Stephen's partner in his first serious relationship) and be out of the picture shortly after that trip, I would have insisted that we go to NYC. God damn it, I miss so much of my old life now.
6. The stupid Lennie Kravitz song "It ain't over, 'til its over," keeps popping up all over my world. I get it that its one of the more over-played songs out there, but what I don't get is if what he means by 'til its over' is death, or just that final fight/break-up that inevitably plagues most relationships. Even ours, apparently.
7. Looking back, I really never would have been able to say that I'd be where I am now. I never thought that we'd truly, ever break up. I didn't think it'd be possible that J & J would one day be separated. Even now, I don't think I've truly accepted that fact, even though I know it to be true intellectually. At this point, I get a sick thrill out of thinking that the current Justin she is with is actually the real Justin, and I was the practice Justin. If they end up being together for awhile and she is happy, I hope all her dreams are fulfilled.
8. I keep bouncing between the first stages of loss: Denial and Anger, occasionally dipping into Depression/Sadness, all the while my mind races through various alternate scenarios as to how to repair the loss. Earlier on, I fantasized about winning the lottery, buying back J's childhood beach home, and giving it to her anonymously...Bargaining, big time.
9. I used to lament about the end of our relationship to J, saying that I would be single for a long, long, loooong time if we ever broke up for real. That I'd be way to hurt, spent, disappointed, wounded, raw, to be willing to invest as much of myself as I had with her, with someone else. Then D came along, and for a split moment, I thought (fantasized) that I could easily just roll right into another intense relationship scenario with relative aplomb. So not what is happening...
10. I am beginning to see that I may never get as close to another person as I did with J. I can already say that despite my difficulties with having so much time to myself due to living alone, I now prefer it. I can get away with so much more than I would be able to if I had to consider someone else's comfort/opinions/preferences. Besides, I am beginning to see the similarities between Jean and I more clearly. She had one major relationship after Hugo, then it was just her, living alone, all these years. She seems to thrive that way. In time, I hope to be more like her in that regard.
11. I do hope one day J and I can be friends/acquaintances again. I will always love her, will always hope she is safe, will always pray that she knows that what happened is what was best (imagine if instead she got pregnant when we were trying...).
12. Lately, its been more difficult remembering the kitties. Perhaps its due to Katu dying recently. The prospect that I may never again see Peeg or Roogie is heart-breaking to me. They were my children, albeit four-legged, hairy and couldn't speak english. Roogie seemed to understand it pretty well, however. Peeg seemed like she understood fairies, wind, dazzling lights, and tuna juice.
13. I hope that God/Fate has something awesome in mind for me. I hope that it is soon, too. As one can see, I've all but lost hope for my life lately, and each time I do, it seems to get worse. I read about complicated grief on wikipedia, and that "[complicated grief] typically cycles through these five stages and then some, processing them out of order and often much more rapidly. Examples of complicated grief can often be found in those who have survived a suicide attempt (Hsu, 2002). Complicated grief responses almost always are a function of intensity and timing: a grief that after a year or two begins to worsen, accompanied by unusual behaviors, is a warning sign. Complicated grief is usually grief where the story of the loss is in some ways difficult to tell...Reporting in the journal NeuroImage (May 10, 2008, online), scientists suggest that complicated grief activates neurons in the reward centers of the brain, possibly giving these memories addiction-like properties. The authors found activity in the nucleus accumbens, a region of the brain most commonly associated with reward and one that has also been shown to play a role in social attachment, such as sibling and maternal affiliation."
14. Should get going on my day, now...time for shower, gather, eat, go to my crap job. Help me get through my day, God. I need your guidance now more than ever. Please be patient with me. My soul is wailing, I need help.
    

Distance

I've got a picture of Kate Moss on my desktop right now. Yes, it looks good. No, I don't have any idea what I'm trying to prove, nor to whom. But sometimes its better to just try a bunch of new shit for awhile until the next right thing comes along.
Either that or wait.
What that has to do with my desktop is this: I'd probably be too ashamed to actually let it stay that way if/when someone came over. I find random pictures of people on desktops to be coarse. Lack of imagination. But for me, right now, horny as I am, sure, and why the fuck not?

No girlfriend to give me shit about how she doesn't compare, or worse, snidely remark about how I'd never get it. Or the worst, to look on and feign indifference, all the while plotting her revenge. Fuck that shit. Which brings me to my point: I am in a tazmanian devil mode.
This is my first summer in...9 years without Justine. 9 fucking years. 9. YEARS. Fuck, its only been about 9 months since we last saw one another. In that time, a lot has changed. I've made choices. Some bad. Some really bad. At least I'm still alive; big bonus: I am still pursuing my happybliss.

I'm taking everything personally right now and don't know what to do about it...

Got hit with several unforeseen expenses this past week, and may not be attending Burning Man this year. Sucks, but I don't have any hope left that I'll make it. Thing is, I have all of 4 paychecks between now and when I'd leave, and am going to need to borrow money to get through the next week, already.





Still do not have a tent, a shade structure, any other supplies (food, water, goggles, costumes, dustmasks, lights, bike rack, bike repair stuff, gas, any other things not considering etc, etc)-still would have to budget for rent in Sept, for expenses the week away, bills coming due, its all too fucking much now: hate my fucking life, my fucking choices, God, everything.
feeling done like I cannot do this anymore-fucking hate my life: hate being alive but not feeling free...
This is total bullshit.

Feeling completely hopeless about puting my faith in anything anymore.

Victim-y language aside, I am bordering on a nervous breakdown now, and actually sat in the shower, naked on Friday night shaking, feeling sorrow for myself, puting on a dramafest for no one but myself. Throwing shit, yell-crying, angry. PISSED OFF.




"I fucked up. Karma is paying me back and in a big fucking way. Doesn't matter anymore, really, I mean, given my luck as of late, I'm bound to be dead by year's end anyway. Let this be a goodbye, then. If I don't write for awhile, assume its over. I want it to be over. I am done. I cannot do this LIFE thing anymore. I quit."

is what I keep thinking...

Not sure if this is one of those thoughts I'm supposed to believe...



Is it just my ego taking a serious-motherfucking-beating and turning on itself?







As much as I want to be an asshole to people, the more self-hatred I feel, the kinder (albeit more brief) I am with others. I simultaneously hate people and desperately yearn for something that I cannot get without them. Fuck.

This weekend...

Several festivals are going down.


Sierra Nevada World Music Festival- Boonville, CA. Reggae camping in Mendo county. Sick. Most expensive thing going on.








Soulstance Santa Cruz Precompression- Southbay burners precom in Los Gatos mountains on a private estate. $10 pre-register, $15 at gate. map/directions here.



















SF Precom @ 1015 Folsom Street $15 in burner threads, $25 w/0 9pm-4am.








Of the three, I am leaning toward the precom event down in inSanity Cruz. 2nd choice is SF Precomm, then go to Cocomo's for burner-related info/stuffs. Its the least expensive option, of course, no booze is offered, I don't believe. We'll see.

Tomorrow, I will be aggressively tent/shade searching. Sleeping bag too. As an aside, I want some new chucks too. Black, low-top. Maybe Van's instead. Why I thought to write that now, who knows.

Back to work, I've been slacking today...

This blog is my companion

I've been thinking a lot more about J again. For a week or two, I'll feel strong, like I am making progress. Then I am reminded, often by a memory at first, but more when I catch myself fantasizing about interractions I'd like to have, practicing conversations, etc that won't happen. Acceptance is the cold, cold, empty realization that that fantasy will never materialize. At this point, I either laugh, glower, or stare blankly into nowhere. Recently, its reduced me to tears, again. Like back in Dec/January. This time, however, its deeper, yet more brief. I hope she is safe.

I don't understand anything anymore. I listen to a lot of Sade. And Bob. I watched the Lakers game half-assed, as it was for a Finals game. As much as I'd love for them to win it all, it'll be over tomorrow night in Boston. Next year, Kobe.
My interest in BM is waning, mainly out of fear. Fear that I won't be able to summon the resources to be self-reliant. I have about a month (June-July) to acquire gear, another month to save money for September, as I'll be gone for half of August. Doable, but not yet figured out.
Saw Jeff tonight, went okay, felt squirrelly. Hadn't seen him in a month, ranted a bit, but more just let myself surrender to whatever was going on in the room at the time. Admitted what I was feeling when, etc, tried to stay self-aware.


Realized recently that I use this blog as an outlet for highly personal shit now. When I was with J, I never felt a compulsion to spew like this here (my journal, sure, and I still write obsessively there as well, but more about boring shit like budgets, hemmorhoids, and t0-do lists.). I need to write/express with the intention behind it that it is being received. Something primal seems present in that statement, something about seeding, maybe not sure.
I console myself that no one reads it anyway, so its really just for me, but the fact that it is in the public domain means it could be consumed, and I'd prefer to get baked, rant on my blog than sit at a bar and rant at a bartender. This is cheaper, albeit decidedly less social. Likely antisocial.

Change

1. WORK: Rich gave his notice at work. He'll be gone by the 20th of this month. That's his last day. Dave will be out sooner than later, as his wife's due date is June 14th. He'll be out for about 6 weeks.

2. LOVE: Almost a month since D and I have communicated. I am getting better at forgetting her, the whole ordeal. Sometimes, like this morning, I do flash on the bittersweetness of it all. I was reading my journal moments ago. There was always a thread of inevitable letting-go in it. The details would change, but in essence, she was never that into me. I am thick-headed and blinded by my own fantasies. I wish I'd pulled out sooner. I am sorry I held on as long as I did. She is a cool, fun, sexy, smart, beautiful, kind woman. She came into my life at a time when I was vulnerable to change, and I guess I projected it all on her. With a month coming up, I'd thought I'd be further along. In some ways, I suppose I am. I am more focused on taking care of my shit, to a point. I guess my main barometer is whether I am interested in someone else. Somehow, because I am still occasionally thinking about her, hoping I'd see her, etc. I am still too raw to put effort into someone else. Or because there is a vacuum left where she was, where J was, and now its just a vacuum, I am falling back on my past romance memories to fill the space. I am of two minds on the whole thing (as usual):

1. I do want to be with someone. Sex. romance, flirtation. The whole new love phenomenon. To be back in that precious place where you are each crushing hardcore on eachother, incapable of staying off eachother, spending every moment, etc etc. But mostly, just sex. I am horny and lonely. I am trying to take ownership of it, and use porn, etc to offset the imbalance. It'll happen again, I know that much. When is anyone's guess. I have no control over this area of my life, and it is frustrating sometimes...

2. I am glad I don't have anyone. I am far, far, too cold-hearted now. I feel bitter. Angry. Sad. Disappointed. Caution is now the order of the day. I have no energy to pursue anyone, nor the inclination. Of course, at CMC on Sunday, the most insanely gorgeous woman was there, and I could hardly even look at her. I mean, she was stunning. No guy in the whole place was unaware. It was scary, almost. A woman that beautiful brings up all sorts of insecurities, and I wouldn't be secure enough to tolerate how much attention she'd get. Which is to say she even noticed me other than to politely smile in my general direction.

3. BODY: I am developing a decent tan. Its still in its infancy, but I am getting excited about how golden my belly, legs, etc are getting. The blonde hair on my body goes from translucent when I am pasty-white, to golden, sparkly when I get a tan. I think its sexier for me to have a tan and because my back is getting healthier, I feel sexier too.

4. MIND: After-work activities: I am no longer as interested in coming directly home after work, yet I am at a loss as to how to spend my free time when I get off. It comes down to friends, I guess. If I had more of them, I'd be better off. I have to rely on myself for just about everything. I tried to stay out more this weekend. Went to the beach, drove around SF. A lot of the issue is lack of meaningful activities that I can do that do not require anyone else, but can also be done if I am with others. Like music. Instruments.

This shit...

Re: Meltdowns
"I was a virgin last year... My partner expected me to take a day or two to adjust (got there late Wednesday) but, NOPE, right into the action! Loved it! Biked it! Sleep? Naw! Eat? Hardly! Then... dum dum dum... got spooked during the burning of the Man. Don't know why; wasn't "altered". Just got a weird vibe. Followed me to the Crude Awakening burn... Got surrounded by crowd. Harsh hard-hitting music from the art car behind me. Trapped in between a sea of bikes. Standing there... and freaked the fuck out. Had an anxiety attack and hit the ground. My partner, usually my hero, got frustrated and we fought. Went back to camp... last night there... huge bummer. I took about 15 minutes to recuperate at camp, took a drink, hit the port-p-potties, and decided it was time to go out dancing and felt way better after that. I had to manually adjust myself, and after that it was fine. But it did happen - and it probably will to you, too.
Gear advice? Ear plugs. One of those sleep masks (or bondage masks, depending on your idiom) can be amazing for slowing your body's awareness, even if it's dark. Also, those bandanna things with the moisture-absorbing things that puff up and stay wet was my friend while I slept during the day..."

from tribes.net forum post.

Notes

Been thinking I want to do a bit of camping, maybe 1 or 2 trips before BM. I need to acquire the basics I think I'll need for BM, then take them camping to test them out. Best advice I've gotten/read is to go camping with everything you think you'll want, need, then when you return, all the things that you didn't use, toss out, and all the stuff you wanted, include it. Preparation is key to the enjoyment of one's time there.

Also, both Brad and Hilary went. And if I recall, had miserable times. Brad went a the last minute, had to rely on the generosity of his friends, and was caught out. I am not sure why Hilary had a bad time. I can't recall. This was always the running line between J and I. That it would have been fun to go "back in the day," but now its gotten way to commercial, played-out, lame. This was based on the opinions of others that'd gone, not ever accounting for all the enthusiastic people that went. Ah well, not sure where this is going, but I never commented on how J and I created a climate that made it impossible for me to truly consider going when we were still together.
Its actually pretty interesting to reflect on the fact that, despite all of J's prior camping experience, my experience living outside, we never did go on a single camping trip. All of our outings were in hotels, rented flats, etc.

Supplies II

August approaches and I have yet to purchase/acquire any of my gear.

Top priorities:

1. Tent. I've contacted a few different people trying to unload free ones on CL, no luck yet. This may get more competitive as August gets closer. I am resistant to spending any money, yet, on this. I want to avoid spending a disproportionate amount on the tent, not having enough for:

2. Shade structure- In the cost of this should include rebar, twine, tape, any other expense related to securing, stabilizing, and building structure.
3. Costumes- For this, I still have little clue what direction to go. I do want some colorful something going on. Was thinking jester, clown, something playful and fun.
4. Saved Money for September- I need to save enough money to cover rent, and any expenses I'll have upon return. I am afraid there is not enough time left not to return to work when I get back. I have not lined up anything else as yet.
5. Perishables- Food, Booze(!!), Water. Some of which I can collect as I go. Water for instance, I can start buying it now, and just stock pile it. Booze, same thing, might as well start a stash going and get that collected. I am not doing much drinking right now, though I herb daily, I am saving some money on booze right now. Smoke. Both varieties. Will likely need way, way more than I imagine, due to how much I'll be handing out. 3 cartons doesn't seem out of the question.

6. Essential Misc This includes all the veteran stuff I know I'll need, but haven't gotten, don't have, etc.
Goggles
Nasal Spray
Scarfs
sunblock
lip balm
plastic bags (multiple sizes)
altoids tins (ashtrays)
new socks

Buzzed

Friday evening, home from an after-work beer with co-workers. Pete, John, Bridget. They left, Bridget first, then after a bit, Pete and John. I got another beer, stubbornly. I had hoped that the night would develop differently, but it didn't. Was initially thinking I'd stay out until late tonight, but I'm home now and slightly confused, but oddly resolute in nothingness. So, I sit here, wondering about D, about what I am learning in this new phase of my life, whether I'll be able to keep it together to accomplish anything or if it'll all melt away...
Lonely.
Put a dollar in the jukebox as I contemplated my next decision. Stay out or go home?

Sweet Black Pussy DJ Quik
Achille's Last Stand Led Zeppelin
Summertime Roll Jane's Addiction

Halfway through both Achille's Last Stand and my Torpedo Sierra Nevada, I decided, while I'd like to befriend the various bike messengers people I was smoking around, I was more interested in listening to that song in my headphones, while riding home. I briefly considered going to Retox which is only a few blocks away, but I also realized that I am broke and actually need to conserve my money for awhile.
I miss deep, intimate human contact. Physical, emotional, psychic. I've neglected many relationships in my recent past. I imagine this dry period is one of atonement. I guess its necessary that see the true merit in people (especially given how hateful I've felt toward humanity lately) and being forced (due to little alternative) to be with myself, alone for long periods of time, is supposed to teach me something about being grateful. I hope I learn the lesson this time.

Muladhara

Apparently, mine is blocked, hence my back problems. Sciatica, bowel issues, hip pain, core strength problems, all related to the root chakra.
Last night, I was stretching, doing excercises, and meditating on how to release the tension in this area. At one point, I flashed on being back at 2837, in the spare room, it was hot up there, sunny, and I started to laugh. I couldn't stop. I realized, as difficult as its been lately, I am sooooo thankful that my life is where it is compared to where it was then.
Having read some about chakras, I am definitely interested in learning more, and incorporating the wisdom into my life.

"Survival consciousness is the primary state of the infant, and if this phase of life is properly taken care of, it should not be a recurrent issue later in life. Children who are abandoned, separated from their mothers at birth (such as incubator babies), physically abused, or suffering from severe childhood illnesses will be more likely to have first chakra problems throughout their lives."

More on this as I develop a greater awareness of my body/spirit connection.

Progress

Normally I set my alarm for 6am. I wake, shower, drink coffee/smoke cigs, surf net, write/draw, then gather and go for the day. This ritual is necessary for my sanity. Often when I neglect some portion of it, I am an angerball. This morning, I woke 7:50am, showered, and rode to work, neglecting all the rest.


Thank god for my ipod (Thanks J!), the beautifully sunny morning, the gorgeous woman @ atlas, (the petite blonde one with the colorful tattoos, piercing blue eyes, pretty face), and knowing that, while sadness still pervades my quietude, I am beginning to feel promise again about the future. I have two and half months to gather/prep for BM. All I have is my ticket. I am getting re-excited, and need to focus on saving, collecting, and being creative.

Posted on Tribe (Advice from a vet)...

"More than one piece of practical advice.... sorry for the diversion....

Buy block ice for your coolers, keep the coolers in the shade, keep them wrapped up in moving blankets, quilts, comforters, or sleeping bags, and open them sparingly. If you bring more than one cooler, have one for beverages, one for food. Read everything you can about the event before you start loading your vehicle. Load the large heavy stuff first and keep the weight low in the vehicle. Finish all your projects before leaving for the playa.

Drive under the speed limit when going through small towns especially in the last 100 miles to Burning Man. You're in no rush or hurry. Burning Man does not really exist until YOU arrive safely....."

It happens

Work place sex. It happens. Its probably happening right now, somewhere. But I'm not talking about sex at work, per se, but sex with people you work with, got it?
I've often maintained a stance that I do not get involved, platonically or otherwise, with co-workers. Something to do with keeping my world suitably compartmentalized so that I may be able to relate to each group appropriately.
To become friends with someone, ya it changes the workplace vibe a bit, productivity either suffers or it doesn't, that's not the issue. Flirtation even. Not too big of a problem, in fact as far as I am concerned, it helps. Sex, or any sort of other-than-friends relationship that initiated as a result of working together, is bad. Capital b bad. As in BAD!
There must have been a lot of wisdom in this stance, because the couple of times I've broken it, its been a mistake. Of course, the angle I could take with it is thus: Irregardless of where one meets the other, if sex, or that attraction manifests, it could cause problems. That's life, that's people (God I fucking hate people right now), and it is the price of admission, as it were.
Thing is, at work, there is a whole show that needs puting on. With sex, relationships, etc, the goal is to eliminate the show.
Or at least that's what I used to think. Now I am not so sure anymore.
I am beginning to believe that the 'game' everyone resents (at least those that feel they have to play, but do not want to) is a necessary part of the whole deal. In order that you may attract someone, you have to be something other than the self you are attached to. That may mean being someone else, being more or less than yourself, or a combination of the two. It does not mean, being yourself. At least not in the beginning.
This is coming up right now because of the various levels of sexual tension that exist at my job...initially, I thought it was something magical. Now I realize, it was just convenience. Convenience may in fact be the Fates' way of orchestrating magic, who knows...

Who knows...

Over the weekend I recall dreading the prospect that the next six months will be as difficult, humbling and just plain fucked up as the last six have been. All the same, aside from a couple of choices, I'd do it all the same. I made the right choice leaving J. I was a shitty, shitty, shitty boyfriend to her. I made the right choice breaking it off with D. I was just setting myself up to get hurt over and over. I made the right choice living alone instead of with roomates. Its painfully lonesome sometimes, but actually that very thing is what is healing me. I'd probably not be able to really just break the fuck down and ball if it wasn't for my knowing I am alone. Or dance like I do when I know no one is around. Unfortunately, I don't have anyone around that inspires me to leave all that much. Maybe I'll get it together to start going out again...who knows.

Cry for fuck's sake, get over it

In order that I may stave off cancer for a few more years, I've been trying to get myself to cry over this bullshit drama as of late. It helps me not be so nasty to people too, a tension release in lieu of fucking. A playlist that helps said ball-fests:


Mr. Brightside The Killers Hot Fuss
Disappointment The Cranberries No Need To Argue
Crestfallen Smashing Pumpkins Adore
It's My Life No Doubt
Bubbly Colbie Caillat
Crazy Gnarls Barkley St. Elsewhere
Somebody Already Broke My Heart Sade Lovers Rock
Take me Down Smashing Pumpkins Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness (Disc 1: Dawn to Dusk)
Every Word Sade Lovers Rock
We belong together Mariah Carey The Emancipation of Mimi
Apologize Timbaland with One Republic


Pretty sappy shit, I must say, but it gets the job done. Kind of like porn for tears instead of jizz.