Thursday, July 31, 2008

Dependency


Like cell phones, PDAs, + other 'smart' gadgets...
Well, I used to say, "What a joke..." But now that I've been assimilated...not having a cell phone sucks. Danielle and I were mid-conversation when my phone died: Battery out of juice. So I grab my car charger (thanks to Paul, who nabbed my regular charger...) and head to the truck to charge it a bit to wrap up the conversation.
"Why isn't the charge plug engaging?"
Oh...
So, my LG VX8100 that J got me for Christmas years ago has kicked the bucket. Verizon can't do anything for me either. They want a minimum of $200.00 for a new phone. Best thing I could hope for now, is that I can find a cheap-o phone to put my sim card into...
I am going to try to be zen about it.
Of course, not being able to call people outside of when I am at work, or near a pay phone is a bit inconvenient. Once upon a time, however, I relished not having a "leash," tethering me to anything, or anyone...
Maybe I can re-cultivate that attitude.
Besides, if I wait long enough, RXV may just get me one anyway.
In the mean time, sorry to everyone who reads this: email, leave a message or send a letter. I'll reply when I can!

Monday, July 28, 2008

Audience

I've had a couple people read the blog recently. Worth noting because I am finding that I am already a bit less interested in 'going there' as much as I've been lately. For now, I am just going to continue to post what I feel like, and see if I am compensating in one way or another. For instance, this post is a bit more self-aware. Cannot be helped, I suppose.

List for Monday:
  1. Sent honda title in-cost me $18.00 to send it express mail through the post office. It'll get there tomorrow by noon, at least.
  2. I have insurance. Its cheaper than the Honda was by about $30-40, but I'll make up the difference in how much gas I use, I can already see.
  3. First things first, new windshield, tune up and a mechanic's word that it'll make it to BM and back in the 100 degree heat no problem.
  4. Disappointed slightly that D and I didn't get to hang out this weekend, but at the same time, I have enough going on that I am sufficiently distracted most of the time.
  5. Saw Adam very briefly on Sunday. I flaked out, got bored of the alterna-street-faire vibe/scene and went home after 1 beer.
  6. Agreed to help Monica, Paul and Bridget move. I suspect I have a moving-karma debt to payoff, and besides, its a good excuse to drink beers/eat pizza and feel like its earned.
  7. Wierdness between Adam and I about the unspoken BS that has come up. I think that he's a fair-weather friend, I assume he thinks I am overly-sensitive, too wrapped up in my shit, and inflexible. He wouldn't be wrong, per se.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Night time drink

Swiss Miss or your favorite hot cocoa that requires water. Put this in a cup. Instead of adding boiling water to it, add coffee dripped from a funnel, freshly ground. Add milk, or not. I'll be up 'til probably 3-3:30am tonight because of this elixir. Satisfying.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Transport 2.0


July 6th-1996 Honda Civic totalled.
July 26th-1992 Toyota 4runner purchased.

Beater, with a new engine. Decent body, frame questionable. Good interior, no rips, no burns, etc. Stereo with aux input. 4x4. v6. 20mpg, maybe...on a hill, coasting. Cruise control works. drive train, solid. cracked windshield. paint still shines. Grey-green.

Time to get some shit to load it up with, so I can get back home. Or, Burning Man. And...home again, after going home.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

BMHQ

Is only 2 blocks from my front door.

Just thought I'd note that.

map

map-generator.net

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I'm back

Okay. Disclaimer aside.*

I'm back. Went for a beer with Bridget after work. I'd been getting the vibe that she wanted to talk, hang out, something, and I wanted to rant about Danielle and my situation to someone who knew her. I simultaneously miss her and am trying to get away. More on that later...
so I asked her if she wanted to grab a beer after work. It was awkward. There is an unnecessary tension between us, misplaced.I was thinking I'd just let her know tomorrow that my motives are pure...I'd rather that we be friends instead of there being weird tension.
About the getting away, moving toward thing:
I was a bit overly disclosing, perhaps. I can do that sometimes. I just want to be totally open, share it all, be free to air anything. Talked about sex, lack of it, lack of masturbation, lack of freedom, desire for freedom- specifically: Feeling strongly about someone, all the while knowing that there are others sending out "I'm interested" signals, but feeling like its a betrayal to follow through with them, even though no commitment has been made in any way...
Ugh.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________
*It has been a little minute since I last wrote...
Partly because I've gone back to the journal-that happens when I get more intimately involved with someone. So?
I was debating transcribing my journal into this blog, but I decided that the fact that a narrative could exist in multiple places, never being completed in any instance, works better than trying to cram everything into once place. Even if its as big as the interweave.

Another lazy list


  1. Went to SB 4th of July weekend.
  2. Hooked up with Paul Lapidus again, camped 1 night on his property.
  3. Saw Rob at Elsie's! We hung out last 2 nights I was in SB, ending Saturday night...I stayed on his floor, after drinking/smoking/talking lasted until 4am.

  1. When leaving his place en route to get flowers for Mom to surprise her, BAM! accident.
  2. T-boned by a elderly Dr. Weiner. He ran the stop sign at Islay while I was on Chapala street, heading toward Mission st.
  3. Mom + Dad came to get me.
  4. Smoked a J in the car on the way home.

  1. Dad let me borrow his vehicle to drive back to SF.
  2. I stopped to visit Danielle. Ended up staying until Tues morning, 4am...
  3. We had sex for the first time. It wasn't very good. It was bad timing. Bad environment. Much too late. Not sure if that's significant or not yet...
  1. Bought a bunch of new computer guts. dxdiag here
  1. Playing the long distance game with Danielle again. Frustration comes easily, but so does ease when I am near her.

  1. Made another trek back South last weekend to wrap up my business with the Honda, see D, and return Dad's car.
  2. Fucking rental car to come back to SF cost me $260- ! Criminal I tell you. Oh... I got a parking ticket with Dad's car.

  1. Was going to go see about a 4runner but someone came first and paid cash on the spot for it. Divine Intervention, I am thinking. Feels like good luck.

  1. Insurance settlement wrapped up quickly. Car was totaled. I get a few checks as a payout:
  • Buy a new car
  • travel: Thailand. Europe (France!). Africa.
  • go nuts for BM.
  • leave work, live meagerly, figure out something else to do.
That's about it...I feel better. It's necessary to connect the pieces of our lives, instead of trying to separate them. At least that's what feels right, right now.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

4th of July weekend

What to do?
I am seriously considering just heading south, to say, Lake Cachuma, and camping for a few days. Go see the fireworks at East Beach, and hang with the family. Got a message from D this morning. I am certainly spun out about it. I spent so much effort trying to disengage from my intense feelings for her but hearing her voice has me twisted up instead...
What do I do?
Do I call her back?
Ignore it?

Fuck...
My heart's desire would be to see her again. Just one more time to see if there is anything there...I don't know. I am being foolish, I know. At the same time, part of me feels as though my fear is running the show right now, and instead, I could just take it slooooooow...but I know I won't. I can't. Too many feelings surrounding this one.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

The Sandpiper

The Sandpiper
by Robert Peterson

She was six years old when I first met her on the beach near where I live.
I drive to this beach, a distance of three or four miles, whenever the world
begins to close in on me . She was building a sand castle or something
and looked up, her eyes as blue as the sea.

'Hello,' she said.
I answered with a nod, not really in the mood to bother with a small child.
'I'm building,' she said.
'I see that. What is it?' I asked, not really caring.
'Oh, I don't know, I just like the feel of sand.'
That sounds good, I thought, and slipped off my shoes.
A sandpiper glided by.
'That's a joy,' the child said.
'It's a what?'
'It's a joy. My mama says sandpipers come to bring us joy.'
The bird went gliding down the beach. Good-bye joy, I muttered to myself,
hello pain, and turned to walk on. I was depressed, my life seemed
completely out of balance.
'What's your name?' She wouldn't give up.
'Robert,' I answered.. 'I'm Robert Peterson.'
'Mine's Wendy... I'm six.'
'Hi, Wendy.'
She giggled. 'You're funny,' she said.
In spite of my gloom, I laughed too and walked on.
Her musical giggle followed me.
'Come again, Mr. P,' she called. 'We'll have another happy day.'
The next few days consisted of a group of unruly Boy Scouts, PTA meetings,
and an ailing mother. The sun was shining one morning as I took my hands out
of the dishwater. I need a sandpiper, I said to myself, gathering up my coat.
The ever-changing balm of the seashore awaited me. The breeze was
chilly but I strode along, trying to recapture the serenity I needed.
'Hello, Mr. P,' she said. 'Do you want to play?'
'What did you have in mind?' I asked, with a twinge of annoyance.
'I don't know. You say.'
'How about charades?' I asked sarcastically.
The tinkling laughter burst forth again. 'I don't know what that is.'
'Then let's just walk.'
Looking at her, I noticed the delicate fairness of her face.
'Where do you live?' I asked.
'Over there.' She pointed toward a row of summer cottages.
Strange, I thought, in winter.
'Where do you go to school?'
'I don't go to school. Mommy says we're on vacation.'
She chattered little girl talk as we strolled up the beach, but my mind was
on other things. When I left for home, Wendy said it had been a happy day.
Feeling surprisingly better, I smiled at her and agreed.
Three weeks later, I rushed to my beach in a state of near panic. I was in no
mood to even greet Wendy. I thought I saw her mother on the porch and felt
like demanding she keep her child at home.
'Look, if you don't mind,' I said crossly when Wendy caught up with me, 'I'd
rather be alone today.' She seemed unusually pale and out of breath.
'Why?' she asked.
I turned to her and shouted, 'Because my mother died!' and thought,
My God, why was I saying this to a little child?
'Oh,' she said quietly, 'then this is a bad day.'
'Yes,' I said, 'and yesterday and the day before and -- oh, go away!'

'Did it hurt?' she inquired.
'Did what hurt?' I was exasperated with her, with myself.
'When she died?'
'Of course it hurt!' I snapped, misunderstanding,
wrapped up in myself. I strode off.
A month or so after that, when I next went to the beach, she wasn't there.
Feeling guilty, ashamed, and admitting to myself I missed her, I went up
to the cottage after my walk and knocked at the door. A drawn looking
young woman with honey-colored hair opened the door.
'Hello,' I said, 'I'm Robert Peterson. I missed your little girl today
and wondered where she was.'
'Oh yes, Mr. Peterson, please come in. Wendy spoke of you so much.
I'm afraid I allowed her to bother you. If she was a nuisance,
please, accept my apologies.'
'Not at all -- she's a delightful child.' I said, suddenly realizing
that I meant what I had just said.
'Wendy died last week, Mr. Peterson. She had leukemia.
Maybe she didn't tell you.'
Struck dumb, I groped for a chair. I had to catch my breath.
'She loved this beach, so when she asked to come, we couldn't say no.
She seemed so much better here and had a lot of what she called happy days.
But the last few weeks, she declined rapidly...' Her voice faltered, 'She left
something for you, if only I can find it. Could you wait a moment while I look?'
I nodded stupidly, my mind racing for something to say to this lovely young
woman. She handed me a smeared envelope with 'MR. P' printed in bold
childish letters. Inside was a drawing in bright crayon hues -- a yellow beach,
a blue sea, and a brown bird. Underneath was carefully printed:

A SANDPIPER TO BRING YOU JOY.

Tears welled up in my eyes, and a heart that had almost forgotten to love
opened wide. I took Wendy's mother in my arms. 'I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry,
I'm so sorry,' I uttered over and over, and we wept together. The precious little
picture is framed now and hangs in my study. Six words -- one for each year
of her life -- that speak to me of harmony, courage, and undemanding love.
A gift from a child with sea blue eyes and hair the color of sand
-- who taught me the gift of love.


NOTE: This is a true story sent out by Robert Peterson. It happened over 20
years ago and the incident changed his life forever. It serves as a reminder
to all of us that we need to take time to enjoy living and life and each other.
The price of hating other human beings is loving oneself less.
Life is so complicated, the hustle and bustle of everyday traumas
can make us lose focus about what is truly important
or what is only a momentary setback or crisis.

This week, be sure to give your loved ones an extra hug, and by all means,
take a moment... even if it is only ten seconds, to stop and smell the roses.

This comes from someone's heart, and is read by many
and now I share it with you...
May God Bless everyone who receives this! There are NO coincidences!

Everything that happens to us happens for a reason. Never brush aside
anyone as insignificant. Who knows what they can teach us?

I wish for you, a sandpiper.

Margin for error

Is non-existant right now and I keep fucking up. Went to deposit my paycheck yesterday and after deducting what bills are coming due, I realize I have no fucking money again. FUCK.

I get home, trying to stay faithful, that everything will be alright. It does occur to me to move my car from the street sweeping side. Do I? No.

Woke at 630am, first thought: "MOTHERFUCKER! I got another ticket last night!!!!!

Fuck this shit....

When will this fucking nightmare end?!

I'm not fucking kidding...really. I am curious...When will I get it through my impossibly thick skull that this is real fucking life now, not a joke. Not pretend. Not practice. This is it. I HAVE got to get my shit handled. I cannot afford to make any mistakes like this anymore. Really, I cannot afford it.

Best part is, I get to go to work pissed off this morning, knowing I'm broke (Soooo sick of being broke....so fucking sick of it...) and try and maintain a positive, productive attitude when at any moment I feel like fucking thrashing shit, yelling, crying...

God damn this shit.

Funniest thing is, early in the year, I read the horoscope for Capricorn for the year, and it said that of all the signs, Caps will be the LUCKIEST of the signs this year.
Gotta say, I feel really, really fucking lucky right now. So amazingly lucky (sarcasm off)

This is the same old angry rant I've always thrown at myself when shit gets too difficult to keep a positive attitude. Do I change? No.
Do I make any adjustments? No.
What the fuck is the point in trying if I already know ahead of time that I am going to fucking sabotage all my best efforts?
I want so badly for there to be some lesson, some reason, some something in this to alleviate the stress I feel this morning over how fucking awful this last few months has felt.
Yet I know, its just life. Some people can handle it with aplomb, some, like myself, cannot.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Practical Anxieties

I jammed home yesterday after a solid day of work. For a Monday, good deal. Also, today I officially start back as Full-time. Excellent. I am taking a break from Jeff, now. I was supposed to go see him yesterday evening, but I blew it off, as I am prone to when I lose focus on what therapy really is about. Instead, I speed-cleaned my domicile. I blasted Kanye and danced while I did it.

Am thinking I'll give it a year. I'd like to see how I fair all alone. I do owe him (who don't I owe $$ to FUCK, man!) ~$400.00.

Speaking of owing $$, I updated my expected expenditures for the time from now until I depart, and what it boils down is this: I need to stop spending $$ on small purchases that mean little. Coffee out. Drinks out. Food out. Lunch, I need to handle bringing my own food for awhile. It'll save me $$ obviously, but also, give me more time to lay out during lunch.

I get paid today, will have to hustle so I can go pay back C n G for the payday loan I have out. I have a seriously hard time managing $$. For some reason, I am incapable of living within my means. Essentially, I always borrow for the present from the future, instead of feeling the discomfort of having, say, $30.00 to last me for a week+, and getting over the hump, I am continuing to take out payday loans, overdraw my account when I run out of cash, and generally make a mess (as I've done since I could remember) of my financial situation. It isn't a matter of not making enough *I think*. Its just that I don't possess the right motivations to discipline myself into resisting the urge to spend $$ on crap. Fastfood instead of eating at home exclusively. Bottle of water here, soda there.

Thing is, its not that I live all that extravagantly. My primary luxury expense is: a couple of WoW accounts at $15.oo/month, cigarattes daily, herb at $25-50/week depending on what I get. And toss in to it the slow bleed of buying lunch out every day, buying coffee out everyday. Buying random snacks, etc. $4.00 here. $10.00 there.

Fees. I accumulated too many fees for being careless with my $$. My checking account is currently overdrawn by probably $60.00. I say probably because I don't have the heart to check right now, even though I am going to go deposit my pay today.

$$ is emotional for me. I let my feelings for what I have dictate how I act, instead of sticking to a gameplan, developing faith in it working, and doing all I can to let the feelings that come up pass through me instead of causing me worry, grief, anxiety over not having enough, therefore implying that I will suffer if I don't make certain decisions. I suffer because I act out of fear. On the other hand, I don't like the idea of only have $34.00 in my pocket, having to assess at every turn, what I can afford, or not. I'd just rather "live my life," and if my life incurs fees, so be it. Problem now is, I am digging myself into a hole again, and will eventually get too deep to get out of.

Where can I make cut backs? I have minimal bills: Monica for car, cable internet, cell phone, some parking tickets. Rent. Food. Gas. Insurance. I could cut my internet off. Stop using my cell phone...

Oh! Today is the day that hands-free goes into effect for cell phone use in cars. No more assholes on cell phones. I guess I have to go buy a headset now. How boring.

Random side notes:

I still have pics of J on my phone. Occasionally, I will make one of them the wallpaper on the main screen. I miss seeing her. Then, I get embarrassed, like someone is going to care to call me out about it, and I'll feel pathetic.

I guess its going to be a LOOOOOONNNNNGGGG time before I truly accept that we are no longer "connected." While its been 7 months+ surely the longest period of time we've ever gone apart since we first got together, I gather that it will be quite some time before I see her again. Years, perhaps. Ugh...Thinking about this fact for too long is a surefire way to make me depressed. For some reason, the truth does not feel like its setting me free anymore. I feel more of the harsh, cold truth of life now: I am alone. Always have been, always will be...

I compare just about every female peer I come across to her. Most 'chicks' are idiots. Or crazy. I have very little patience for them. As miserable as I may be about being lonely sometimes, its not so bad that I am willing to get more actively involved in the pursuit of a 'replacement' yet. I don't know...