Practical Anxieties

I jammed home yesterday after a solid day of work. For a Monday, good deal. Also, today I officially start back as Full-time. Excellent. I am taking a break from Jeff, now. I was supposed to go see him yesterday evening, but I blew it off, as I am prone to when I lose focus on what therapy really is about. Instead, I speed-cleaned my domicile. I blasted Kanye and danced while I did it.

Am thinking I'll give it a year. I'd like to see how I fair all alone. I do owe him (who don't I owe $$ to FUCK, man!) ~$400.00.

Speaking of owing $$, I updated my expected expenditures for the time from now until I depart, and what it boils down is this: I need to stop spending $$ on small purchases that mean little. Coffee out. Drinks out. Food out. Lunch, I need to handle bringing my own food for awhile. It'll save me $$ obviously, but also, give me more time to lay out during lunch.

I get paid today, will have to hustle so I can go pay back C n G for the payday loan I have out. I have a seriously hard time managing $$. For some reason, I am incapable of living within my means. Essentially, I always borrow for the present from the future, instead of feeling the discomfort of having, say, $30.00 to last me for a week+, and getting over the hump, I am continuing to take out payday loans, overdraw my account when I run out of cash, and generally make a mess (as I've done since I could remember) of my financial situation. It isn't a matter of not making enough *I think*. Its just that I don't possess the right motivations to discipline myself into resisting the urge to spend $$ on crap. Fastfood instead of eating at home exclusively. Bottle of water here, soda there.

Thing is, its not that I live all that extravagantly. My primary luxury expense is: a couple of WoW accounts at $15.oo/month, cigarattes daily, herb at $25-50/week depending on what I get. And toss in to it the slow bleed of buying lunch out every day, buying coffee out everyday. Buying random snacks, etc. $4.00 here. $10.00 there.

Fees. I accumulated too many fees for being careless with my $$. My checking account is currently overdrawn by probably $60.00. I say probably because I don't have the heart to check right now, even though I am going to go deposit my pay today.

$$ is emotional for me. I let my feelings for what I have dictate how I act, instead of sticking to a gameplan, developing faith in it working, and doing all I can to let the feelings that come up pass through me instead of causing me worry, grief, anxiety over not having enough, therefore implying that I will suffer if I don't make certain decisions. I suffer because I act out of fear. On the other hand, I don't like the idea of only have $34.00 in my pocket, having to assess at every turn, what I can afford, or not. I'd just rather "live my life," and if my life incurs fees, so be it. Problem now is, I am digging myself into a hole again, and will eventually get too deep to get out of.

Where can I make cut backs? I have minimal bills: Monica for car, cable internet, cell phone, some parking tickets. Rent. Food. Gas. Insurance. I could cut my internet off. Stop using my cell phone...

Oh! Today is the day that hands-free goes into effect for cell phone use in cars. No more assholes on cell phones. I guess I have to go buy a headset now. How boring.

Random side notes:

I still have pics of J on my phone. Occasionally, I will make one of them the wallpaper on the main screen. I miss seeing her. Then, I get embarrassed, like someone is going to care to call me out about it, and I'll feel pathetic.

I guess its going to be a LOOOOOONNNNNGGGG time before I truly accept that we are no longer "connected." While its been 7 months+ surely the longest period of time we've ever gone apart since we first got together, I gather that it will be quite some time before I see her again. Years, perhaps. Ugh...Thinking about this fact for too long is a surefire way to make me depressed. For some reason, the truth does not feel like its setting me free anymore. I feel more of the harsh, cold truth of life now: I am alone. Always have been, always will be...

I compare just about every female peer I come across to her. Most 'chicks' are idiots. Or crazy. I have very little patience for them. As miserable as I may be about being lonely sometimes, its not so bad that I am willing to get more actively involved in the pursuit of a 'replacement' yet. I don't know...