Margin for error

Is non-existant right now and I keep fucking up. Went to deposit my paycheck yesterday and after deducting what bills are coming due, I realize I have no fucking money again. FUCK.

I get home, trying to stay faithful, that everything will be alright. It does occur to me to move my car from the street sweeping side. Do I? No.

Woke at 630am, first thought: "MOTHERFUCKER! I got another ticket last night!!!!!

Fuck this shit....

When will this fucking nightmare end?!

I'm not fucking kidding...really. I am curious...When will I get it through my impossibly thick skull that this is real fucking life now, not a joke. Not pretend. Not practice. This is it. I HAVE got to get my shit handled. I cannot afford to make any mistakes like this anymore. Really, I cannot afford it.

Best part is, I get to go to work pissed off this morning, knowing I'm broke (Soooo sick of being broke....so fucking sick of it...) and try and maintain a positive, productive attitude when at any moment I feel like fucking thrashing shit, yelling, crying...

God damn this shit.

Funniest thing is, early in the year, I read the horoscope for Capricorn for the year, and it said that of all the signs, Caps will be the LUCKIEST of the signs this year.
Gotta say, I feel really, really fucking lucky right now. So amazingly lucky (sarcasm off)

This is the same old angry rant I've always thrown at myself when shit gets too difficult to keep a positive attitude. Do I change? No.
Do I make any adjustments? No.
What the fuck is the point in trying if I already know ahead of time that I am going to fucking sabotage all my best efforts?
I want so badly for there to be some lesson, some reason, some something in this to alleviate the stress I feel this morning over how fucking awful this last few months has felt.
Yet I know, its just life. Some people can handle it with aplomb, some, like myself, cannot.