Change

1. WORK: Rich gave his notice at work. He'll be gone by the 20th of this month. That's his last day. Dave will be out sooner than later, as his wife's due date is June 14th. He'll be out for about 6 weeks.

2. LOVE: Almost a month since D and I have communicated. I am getting better at forgetting her, the whole ordeal. Sometimes, like this morning, I do flash on the bittersweetness of it all. I was reading my journal moments ago. There was always a thread of inevitable letting-go in it. The details would change, but in essence, she was never that into me. I am thick-headed and blinded by my own fantasies. I wish I'd pulled out sooner. I am sorry I held on as long as I did. She is a cool, fun, sexy, smart, beautiful, kind woman. She came into my life at a time when I was vulnerable to change, and I guess I projected it all on her. With a month coming up, I'd thought I'd be further along. In some ways, I suppose I am. I am more focused on taking care of my shit, to a point. I guess my main barometer is whether I am interested in someone else. Somehow, because I am still occasionally thinking about her, hoping I'd see her, etc. I am still too raw to put effort into someone else. Or because there is a vacuum left where she was, where J was, and now its just a vacuum, I am falling back on my past romance memories to fill the space. I am of two minds on the whole thing (as usual):

1. I do want to be with someone. Sex. romance, flirtation. The whole new love phenomenon. To be back in that precious place where you are each crushing hardcore on eachother, incapable of staying off eachother, spending every moment, etc etc. But mostly, just sex. I am horny and lonely. I am trying to take ownership of it, and use porn, etc to offset the imbalance. It'll happen again, I know that much. When is anyone's guess. I have no control over this area of my life, and it is frustrating sometimes...

2. I am glad I don't have anyone. I am far, far, too cold-hearted now. I feel bitter. Angry. Sad. Disappointed. Caution is now the order of the day. I have no energy to pursue anyone, nor the inclination. Of course, at CMC on Sunday, the most insanely gorgeous woman was there, and I could hardly even look at her. I mean, she was stunning. No guy in the whole place was unaware. It was scary, almost. A woman that beautiful brings up all sorts of insecurities, and I wouldn't be secure enough to tolerate how much attention she'd get. Which is to say she even noticed me other than to politely smile in my general direction.

3. BODY: I am developing a decent tan. Its still in its infancy, but I am getting excited about how golden my belly, legs, etc are getting. The blonde hair on my body goes from translucent when I am pasty-white, to golden, sparkly when I get a tan. I think its sexier for me to have a tan and because my back is getting healthier, I feel sexier too.

4. MIND: After-work activities: I am no longer as interested in coming directly home after work, yet I am at a loss as to how to spend my free time when I get off. It comes down to friends, I guess. If I had more of them, I'd be better off. I have to rely on myself for just about everything. I tried to stay out more this weekend. Went to the beach, drove around SF. A lot of the issue is lack of meaningful activities that I can do that do not require anyone else, but can also be done if I am with others. Like music. Instruments.