I'm taking everything personally right now and don't know what to do about it...

Got hit with several unforeseen expenses this past week, and may not be attending Burning Man this year. Sucks, but I don't have any hope left that I'll make it. Thing is, I have all of 4 paychecks between now and when I'd leave, and am going to need to borrow money to get through the next week, already.





Still do not have a tent, a shade structure, any other supplies (food, water, goggles, costumes, dustmasks, lights, bike rack, bike repair stuff, gas, any other things not considering etc, etc)-still would have to budget for rent in Sept, for expenses the week away, bills coming due, its all too fucking much now: hate my fucking life, my fucking choices, God, everything.
feeling done like I cannot do this anymore-fucking hate my life: hate being alive but not feeling free...
This is total bullshit.

Feeling completely hopeless about puting my faith in anything anymore.

Victim-y language aside, I am bordering on a nervous breakdown now, and actually sat in the shower, naked on Friday night shaking, feeling sorrow for myself, puting on a dramafest for no one but myself. Throwing shit, yell-crying, angry. PISSED OFF.




"I fucked up. Karma is paying me back and in a big fucking way. Doesn't matter anymore, really, I mean, given my luck as of late, I'm bound to be dead by year's end anyway. Let this be a goodbye, then. If I don't write for awhile, assume its over. I want it to be over. I am done. I cannot do this LIFE thing anymore. I quit."

is what I keep thinking...

Not sure if this is one of those thoughts I'm supposed to believe...



Is it just my ego taking a serious-motherfucking-beating and turning on itself?







As much as I want to be an asshole to people, the more self-hatred I feel, the kinder (albeit more brief) I am with others. I simultaneously hate people and desperately yearn for something that I cannot get without them. Fuck.