Alienated + Incubated

At what point do they meet?

I've successfully reduced my social engagement from routinely interracting with up to 12-15 house mates, to maybe 2, on the average day.
I am spending large portions of my day alone, happily, most of the time. Quite excitedly to discover what makes me tick...
Today, not so much the case.

I may have seen Her again, yesterday. Well, her car.  Umm, a car like hers. At any rate, I decided I did see her, and my dreams, my falling asleep thoughts, circulated around Her.
(God...)
And there it still is, in there. wondering, hoping and aching for the effort.
Perhaps someday, it says.
Perhaps one day, again, it begs.

And yet, I know (if I know anything) its well past that point, now.
What monumental effort this has turned out to be. Had I known before, well...I guess I realize I'd still be in this position regardless.

And what is this position, anyway?

Well-
Uncertain about what the future holds...
Hopeful that it will all "turn out perfectly" Wouldn't that be nice?, I think.
Fearful when I am fatigued by maintaining faith in the darkness...
Despairing when I feel the breadth of love that has left my life, of the tenderness, the lightness.

Concretely, I sit at my computer listening to iTunes Genius mixes of Modest Mouse, Flaming Lips, the Shins, et al. Initiated by a desire to dance to the song Float On, one thing lead to another...
I am attaching all manners of meaning to the lyrics of the songs that play.
I cry, organically letting what is coming, come.
Relaxing into letting my armor fall off of me, just letting it be...



Fixated on the changing changes.
That I am living in my own room, again.
I have what I have and experience real gratitude for it.

But the fear.
Of moving forward, of not being able to go back...
Stuck. Frozen. Waiting...for?
Nothing to stop happening.
For something  to replace it.