Been a long, strange ride this past year. As I ramp up and move forward into this next decade, I'm reflecting on the successes and lessons learned. Way back in September of '08, arriving at the Rancho with Byron, our sights set on foreign horizons, my secret agenda to, if not win her back, at least reconcile all that was once good and loving about what was. It has taken me more than a year to admit to myself and to have the courage to utter aloud that my hovering in SB was little more than an attempt to re-live what we once had.
So, not much luck on that front. And while I do not want to begrudge her anything, I am disappointed that some sort of reunion could not take place. In the end, it doesn't matter. What is done is done. Again, it has taken me years to be willing to entertain the truth that I was also playing the "cheating" game when we were together. My version was less overt and by definition more devious because I did not ever let myself own the behavior of teasing and leading on women I wanted to hook up with. We were both cheating on each other. I pretended that because I never let it get physical, I was not actually cheating, conveniently ignoring that I'd walked away from several occassions where half naked, aroused women were willing to have sex with me.
Thanks to conversations with friends and learning about this whole realm of sex and singlehood I've come to realize that what we shared with one another was only some of the deception that went on between us. The fairytale never existed, and as much as I really wanted to believe it was possible that this was something bigger than either of us, I've come to reLize we were never suited to be monogamous- lovers maybe, but that we faked it for so long, that I played nice all those years feeling as I did that so much of how we were rubbed me the wrong way but it was a two-three year relationship that stretched and lasted nine years. We probably should have gone our own ways a year into being in SF... Maybe then we'd still be friends.
So to the Bay Area I return. The circle completed. And, really, I believed that maybe new sex could develop from it. I still do, I cannot deny that. She is a sexy beautiful woman whom I learned with, who taught me and learned from me. She is the prettiest pussy I've had the pleasure to pleasure...
And this whole Love thing is a self-imposed fiction; a projection. Sex is real. Love is the desire to prolong good sex. The Big Love, the God love that will propel someone to jump into a burning building to save children and animals is more real maybe but romantic love is fiction. I want more good sex. 2010 could be gone before I know it, and I am looking forward to NSA nakedness. Yum.
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