Here and now

Fucking fuck!
No words...





Sitting on the rock adjacent to Jean's driveway, nursing a cigarette and broken dreams.
I woke, after a fitful sleep to the stark realization that what I have been dreaming would be possible has been a a huge joke- not even that funny either. A thousand days later, here I am seeing the real for the first time since we went our own ways. The woman I thought I loved is gone to me forever. I love a memory now. And in reality, I am lost to the truth. What does truly letting go- not to have what I let go return- but truly letting go, as in never again, as in completely out of reach, out of time, out of my desire, off my radar... Look like?
I feel sad and foolish and broken. Something has changed in the fabric of my reality- what good has been done in all of this?
Friends?
That's a fucking insult- it really is. Friends. I am too close to it and I want to be in the joy of love, in the warmth of physical intimacy, the sacred peace of honesty and communion. And yet: here I am. Beating my fucking head against the same fucking immovable, impassable obstacle, tired and confused and without any sense it will ever cease. I have tried to tell myself, I have assured myself that this will pass, that something truly amazing would result from this- that it doesn't look AT ALL like I felt it would, nor actually that it has nor will come to be makes it feel even worse. I want to be done trying- in all things- utterly, completely give up: on happiness, on love, on faith. Focus my attention on now, here. Embody the truth. Clear my mind of anyone and anything that is not present. Be free. Let fucking go. Just drop away into the oblivion, and forget that I ever loved, cared or wanted to be a part of something that in it's very nature is impossible because it is not real.