Okay. Home, its 130am and I have a bottle of Jack, four beers and a shit load of other intoxicants in me, and I spent most of the night moping about the fact that my girlfriend is at a sex party for women and transmen. I, being a guy and trying to broaden my (intellectual/emotional/spirtual) horizons, thought that if she wants to go to such things, more power to her, let loose, I say, be free, get what you want, have fun, and live it up...

BUT NOW, as I sit here, moping some more, I wonder, why?

Are women really different than men? Am I a masochist? She asks me to tell her what she can and cannot do, I say "well, do what feels right, do the right thing, though if I were going to sex party, I would have sex."

Now I'm thinking, was that a way to find out what is acceptable?

Is my being honest going to come back and haunt me?

Well, she says that she is not interested in anything that involves her pussy, or penetration, no oral sex, blah blah blah, but I am still left wondering about the motivation of someone who might go to a sex party WITHOUT the intention of having sex. That is like going to a birthday party, and passing on the cake...

Right?

A part of me wants to know where she is and go spy on her, part of me wants to make tea and get in bed and pass out, part of me wants to leave and go to the bar and pick someone up, part of me wants to pretend this is not happening, that she is just talking with her friends, and that it will all turn out okay.

I am a sucker.

I know it.

I can feel it.

It sucks.

Blah Blah....



It is all this fierce integrity.



So, when I see her tomorrow, I know I will want to know every little detail.

I will be aching for reassurance, and I hate it.



I wish it were easier to see people as objects to satisfy my desire, but I don't.

Everywhere I look is a fully real, fully aware, conscious, beautiful person.

I start to think I have it in me to take advantage of them and I feel bad.

Which isn't to say that it is taking advantage of someone to have sex with them, but at some point I realized that I just saw too much, I was too aware of someones else's feelings, expressions, thoughts, etc,total strangers, people I have had one night stands with, family, friends, etc.

Instead of growing jaded, I have become hypersensitized. I grow more aware everyday, to the nuances of facial expression, to the joys and sadnesses, that linger behind blank stares. In all of this is an utterly overwhelming devotion to innocence, beauty, niceness, and sadness. To a want to be more human, to be more accepting, more buddha-like. I know I am growing like a weed right now, but the growing pains hurt really bad.