Predicated by this exchange a few days ago, I'm spinning. Frustration mounts, anger-there- just, there. And beneath it, a deep deep sadness. Loss. Real loss. And the revealing truths that it uncovers. My life is empty. I really do not care about anything, nor anyone anymore. I completely give up. To say, "I hate life," would be too simplistic. I am actually quite grateful I am getting this opportunity to be completely pissed off, finally. I was in denial, I think, for about 2 years. And I am really fucking pissed off these days. REALLY. Like, the great big fuck you, live with it lessons that life has a way of teaching us, me, when pride was too out of proportion. And my pride is a big fucking issue for me. I am totally arrogant and aloof most of the time, when the truth is, I am really just hurt, and confused and frustrated that I make choices that do me more harm than good. I have a snap reactive tendency to lash out at whatever I can (inside). A part of me, a loud part, wants to blame everything and anything for how "fucked up" this all turned out to be.
The first couple years have been a great big pile of heartache, trying, failure, craziness, drugs, phony social goings on, and out right nightmare material. I do not see the end anymore. For many months, many months, I focused on all I could to remain open, positive and hopeful, as if my life depended on it. I can't bear to fool myself any longer. Without a woman in my life, I am an empty man. I feel completely obsolete now. And because I am not working or exercising or eating very well, I get tied up into the emotional knots. I cannot see how this will ever improve. I live in fucking Oakland, now. I came back to the Bay out of frustration that I was wasting my time pining for a sighting, for a chance interraction with her. And all the while, playing games, playing stupid stupid games with college kids, ten years or more my junior. There it is, again. The arrogance. I am completely lost, right now. Where am I headed?
If I had $15,000.00 in cash, I'd be in Asia, or maybe Eastern Europe, or even Africa. I'd write a book. I have lots of sex. I would completely give up on people I used to care about. I would do my best to re-write my life, having been humbled by the outcome of my stupid, half-assed choices. I spend too much time being sorry for myself. I am a really selfish person, I think. Funny thing is, I spend a lot of time, worrying, thinking, wondering, about other people. People: Friends, lovers, family. Love is fucking painful, sometimes. I wish I could fast forward a few years, and see how things are going. I am not very excited about this summer, for instance. The first summer in awhile that I am afraid is going to be full of more disappointment, dashed hopes, half-assed, half-baked ambitions, conflict, heartache and torment.
So, without further ado, here is the letter I wrote J after a fucked up dream of her, a few days ago:
(oh, and listen to "Lazy Eye" by Silversun Pickups when reading this for maximum OOOMPH)
From: J
Subject: Spilling it
To:"J"
Date: Monday, April 5, 2010, 9:30 AM
I am grasping at straws here. I cannot deny it any longer-I didn't choose this- fuck me- if could have it any other way I'd do it alone, make my peace with it and move on. But I can't will you out of my heart, out of my dreams. I still am completely hung up on you. STILL. I almost need your advice as a friend who knows me best.
HOW DO I GET OVER YOU????
The problem is you occupy my dreams with such frequency that I have become an insomniac...Last night for instance, we were walking together somewhere, we got sandwiches and sat on some lawn somewhere and when I realized we were holding hands I stiffened realizing that we were not allowed to do that anymore. We were close like we once were, it was SO REAL, I woke up crying. Again.
Whoa! Where is this coming from you must be thinking...How pathetic even. Ancient history, why drudge this up now?
I've lost patience waiting for 'closure' between us. I cannot keep waiting for your situation to change so that I may get the chance to speak directly to it; how fucking lame and stupid this has become.
I think about you everyday. I wonder about whether you are ever going to suck it up and visit Ecuador to meet your Dad before it's too late. I wonder if you are softer or harder and what is the same and what is new and if, when I looked into your eyes I would feel my stomach and my chest and collapse or if it would be like seeing a long lost sibling.
So here it is, the truth: I was so scared that a woman at work was going to seduce me and I would be too weak to resist it. Given how much we'd been through and ashamed that I was even feeling that way for someone else, I became convinced that the best thing to do was to move out instead of hurting you in what I decided was the worst way. It had nothing to do with having a child. I was freaked out at the time, thinking I needed to be a more manly guy to be a proper father, but that was less of a reason. I was too afraid to tell you the truth, that after I wrecked your car, and knowing you were already 'looking' (I snooped your journal)...that if I told you the truth, you would be the one to pull out. As it turns out the woman was in a desperate place, suicidal and needed help. I misinterpreted her vulnerability for something else.
Nothing ever materialized. We helped eachother get free from 'bad relationships.' Last I heard, she was with someone, living in SB.
You also landed on your feet, are better off, getting out of life what you want and in spite of your heartbreak have made a life worth living. At least that is how it looks from my perspective. You get what you give, they say. And I hope you feel all the love you give come back to you. I would say I am proud of you except it's really envy.
What I wanted was to fall in love again, and like the first time, connect life together so it makes sense. The next chapter.
If I had the chance to do it again, (which is why the truth still needs to be voiced) I would have mustered the courage to tell you how fucking freaked out I was that we were falling out of love, that so much pain was between us that the love we did have could barely breath anymore... Anyway, within a week's time I was already resided to knowing I made a huge mistake-unrecoverable...
Between waking up sobbing and sobbing in the dream I am a wreck this morning. I know I know this is fucking rediculous, (probably part of my growing insanity) my even contacting you like this-what am I thinking? I have grown weary and fucking bored of listening to the advice of strangers who, evidenced by said advice have yet to truly be in love. Women steering clear of me because I'm 'damaged goods', male friends thinking I am a grifter, a player half the time and 'need help' the other half the time because of my deep sensitivity... (people can be so shallow and mean just to protect their hearts).
I have maintained the space and distance out of respect for your healing and the new life you are creating. I am breaking the rule now out of pure selfishness. If this pisses you off or makes you cold and distant or whatever I don't care. It would be infinitely better than continuing to deny my truth. I may never be over you, whatever, bitterness has a way of making it less painful...the important thing is I am telling you, letting it out. I am asking for you to lift whatever charm or spell or juju you cast on me that has my heart so full and aching so that I may be able to continue on...I keep thinking this will pass and now I am thinking that spilling it all will serve that end. Say or don't say whatever cruel or cold or kind thing I really don't care about anything but the truth now, at least I can rely on it being consistent from day to day.
Anyway I dropped the bomb, sad and too little too late though it is. I want a reply but do not expect any reply. I am leaning on you still being the strong woman I recall you are to be able to hold this, and if any threat is perceived in this please rest assured, I mean no harm. I want peace to come from this, I was so in love with you for so many years that I deserve to get to acknowledge this whether it is popular or not. Anyway, now that I am pretty sure you know the truth, I will let it be. I will always love you. You are in my heart until I can no longer breathe. I am moving forward. In order to do so, I have to remember where I came from, as painful as that may be.
Here is her reply:
I am so sorry for your pain and suffering, as usual, I do feel so bad for your pain and I must remind myself, and you I suppose, that pain for you is lifeblood and different then 'pain' as I see it.I dreamed about you last night as well, an utterly different premise, and yet, it is probably the reason I feel like responding to your email.
Two things I will say:What ended between us was, for me, the best thing that could have happened. For so many reasons.......in my dream last night I was finally telling you some truths as well....I cheated on you. Repeatedly. And the greatest thing I felt when we ended was relief. Relief to not have to live with the lies in me forever. I did not trust that you would ever forgive me. I now get to live in a real partnership that has begun, and hopefully will continue, with real trust and real honesty.I hope being angry about this will help you remember me as real person and not just the mythical love in your head.Second, in my opinion, you will be able to move on when you want to and when you are actually brave enough to trust and be open with someone again.But also, maybe when you can be truly able to focus on someone else......The best thing I can see in hindsight that I sacraficed ,and that I have learned from my husband to be, is that real partnership involves focus on both individuals.I will say what I always said when I felt like you needed more from me than is fair for me to have to give:Call Jeff.;) ~J
And like a dumbass, I reply to her immediately, again, instead of letting myself actually get pissed off first, and say what was really on my mind, I say this spineless shit:
Thanks J, its a weight off more than I am pissed, I mean, I am not a total idiot, I knew things were going on, you were/are smarter than me and hid it well enough that just by looking I would get burned more than I was willing to. I played wierd games with women at school. Leading them on, only to vanish the minute I knew for sure, I could score. This is a relief. Pretty cool, regardless that we were dreaming of the other, though :D You are an awesome person, I'm glad some common ground can be had.
I do not blame you for cheating, it was the healthiest response to being so thoroughly neglected, I mean, ya, its sucks we didn't get to fulfill our youthful ideas about The Princess Bride true love, but I am glad its all out in the open. I am grateful you are forgiving, the least I can do is the same. I sure learned so much from you, its really incredible. I miss you, miss the cats, miss your mom, miss all the todos that I resented. And as far as a new relationship, heh...WOMEN are crazy! haha why the fuck would I ever want to do this AGAIN? j/k...sorta.
Take care, be well, you rock.
There are no words, anymore. I was pretending that "I won" if we were still competing. I mean, the bitch is sooo fucking full of herself. She actually thinks she's really in control of shit. I think its all going to come crashing down on her, maybe harder than when we broke up. I can just 'smell' it. Wishful thinking, maybe? I don't think so. But maybe. She got the easy end of the deal. Getting to hide in a new relationship, instead of doing the REAL work, the work that psychotherapy set in motion, namely self-actualization, personal development. Growth. And well, there's the arrogance. Women are weaker than men. Weaker. Less capable of puting up with bullshit because of a higher purpose. Less resilient in times of hardship. They flee. They act from fear, instead of faith. At least, the women I've had the most intimate relationships with. Jean is a major, major exception. She has my absolute, utter respect. She is a truly good person. Otherwise, I've been disappointed, and frustrated by my naivete with women more often than not. I actually believe the shit they spew about love, about intimacy, about loyalty, trust. I trust dishonest people to CHANGE for me. HAHAHA I am such a wreck.
This is lame now, I'm going to stop writing.
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